The Non-Committal Justification
by Tuesday Pajamas
Summary: When Sheldon seems to develop a physical reaction to the break-up of his relationship, Penny is more interested in helping him than sorting out her own. Set after the Season 8 finale, 'The Commitment Determination.' *shenny*
1. Chapter 1

Sheldon flinched when the front door banged open and a flustered blonde dumped two suitcases unceremoniously on the floor. "Damn him!" she spat, marching over to the couch and firmly parking herself in his spot.

"How was the wedding?" he asked, without a hint of sarcasm.

"ArggghhhhhhhhhHHHHH!"

He was going to assume by this reaction, that it hadn't gone well. "Where's Leonard?" he asked, gazing from the discarded cases, to the open door and back to his volatile intruder.

"He's getting a rental car sorted out," she snarled, "We crashed!"

"Y-y-you crashed!" he said, bouncing to his feet.

"Don't worry, Leonard's fine!"

With this, he approached the front door and pushed it closed. "You're in my spot," he said. She shot him a glare, then reluctantly slid to the middle cushion.

"So you didn't make it to Vegas after all?"

"Oh yes, we made it Vegas alright! We almost made it to Denny's for the ceremony but then we had an argument. We crashed. End of!"

"Okay." Satisfied with this answer, he shrugged and sat back down at the computer desk, where he had been contemplating his own dilemma.

"And another thing!"

"Oh no," he rolled his eyes, knowing it wasn't over.

"Did you know that while Leonard was away, he made out with another girl?"

"No, I did not."

"He confessed on the way to Vegas, saying he just wanted us to know everything, so there were no surprises," she said, "And I told him, that I could get past it."

Sheldon looked over his shoulder. "A brave decision."

"But _then_!…" she was on her feet now, hands waving as she spoke. "… we stop at the gas station because we'd been in such a rush we hadn't checked how much gas we had and it was low. Leonard gets out, right… and I have this nagging feeling… you know, in my gut…" Sheldon didn't know what she meant by "in my gut" but he nodded anyway in the hope it would hurry her to a conclusion. "…so then I'm looking in the glove compartment for some gum and you'll never guess what I found…" She stared at him for a second, those big eyes blinking back at her. "No, I'll never guess." he replied, honestly.

"A _card_!" she blurted, "From the girl, and it said, "Thanks for a lovely evening on the North Sea. If you change your mind, here's my number! Love Mandy."" she pulled a face and flopped back down on the couch.

"Interesting?" he queried.

"He _kept_ it, Sheldon! Why would you keep a card with someone's number on it? I knew there was more!" Sensing this was a trick question for which he had no expertise, he simply offered a raised eyebrow.

"Exactly!" she answered.

Sheldon took it to mean he had chosen the correct facial response and let out the breath he'd been holding.

"When he told me about the girl, I wanted to be mature about it and not let it ruin our happy day but it crept into the back of mind and when I saw the card! I lost it!" she was standing over the computer desk now. "Now, I don't want you to get all upset about how this is going to affect you, but Leonard and I are finished."

"So… does that mean finished for good, or just finished until next time?"

"It means finished for good!" she snarled, waiting for the argument she was sure would follow.

It didn't come.

Confused by his silence she continued. "A-and don't try to talk me out of it."

Sheldon had mentally prepared himself for the upcoming nuptials of Leonard and Penny and in doing so; he had made plans of his own. Reasoning that he and Amy should follow suit. It was the way things were done because once Leonard and Penny married there wouldn't be a place for him. He would have to adjust, as much as this was terrifying.

If Penny had returned before he'd spoken to Amy, he would have descended into panic but after the shock he'd just had, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. The redundant ring hung from Gollum's unyielding clutches on the desk in front to him. "I'm not in a position to make any assessment," he said, peering at it.

Penny spotted the sparkler in a flash and instinctively reached out, he didn't stop her. "Oh my god, Sheldon! Are you going to ask Amy to marry you?" she gasped. "Wow, this is amazing! Look at the size of that ring, bet it's worth a mint. Much more than mine was," she chuckled to herself.

Swiveling his chair away to avoid those questioning eyes, he fell silent.

"What's wrong?"

There was a pause before he turned. "Amy has taken a step back from our relationship."

Penny gasped and dropped to her knees next to his chair. "After you proposed?"

"I didn't get a chance to propose."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry," she said. "Here I am moaning about my own stupid problems."

"It's okay."

She reached out a hand, "Come on let's go," she said. "I'm going to make you spaghetti with little hotdogs and you're going to tell me everything."


	2. Chapter 2

Her dinner guest stared woefully at his plate and steadily prodded the mound of spaghetti, in front of him. It smelt delicious but this persistent heavy feeling in his temples wouldn't go away and he just didn't have an appetite.

"Not hungry sweetie?"

"Not really," he said, placing the fork down. "I don't think I'm very well."

"You're not unwell, you're just upset about what happened with Amy," she said softly.

"Am I?" he said. It more a statement than a question.

Penny examined his forlorn face, she studied the long lashes as they cast spidery shadows in the light. Wishing she could offer some comfort but unsure what he would find comforting given the circumstance, and given who he was. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, fully expecting a negative response. His eyes slowly raised and examined the ceiling in the most curious way, he then frowned, "Yes."

This was as much of a surprise to him as it was to her. "That's good!" she said. "It's healthy to talk. You know you can tell me anything. Ask me anything."

"Okay then," he pondered, before asking his all-important question. "What is love?"

Penny's mind when blank. She stared back at him opened mouthed and cleared her throat to bind some time. "The hard ones first, huh? Well, love is…"

Sheldon interlocked his hands and placed them on the table, waiting patiently for an answer from the one person he was sure had divine insight into the confusing world of intimacy.

"Love is…" she repeated, "… a deep and honest bond with another person, which makes them more important to you than anyone else."

"Hmmmm…"

"What do you think love is?"

"Chemistry," he said. "A neurological reaction to increased chemicals in the brain like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, norepinephrine and vasopressin."

"Of course you do! But how do you _feel_ about Amy?"

"Kind of head-achy."

She gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry."

"I once considered my symptoms were due to a parasitic brain infection, rather than love."

Penny smirked, "How romantic."

 _Achoo!_

"Bless you."

Sheldon eyes widened in fear. "Oh no you don't," she warned, reading his thoughts. "You do not have a parasitic brain infection!"

He let out a long sigh and seemed to be contemplating something.

"Am I hot?"

"Ah... what?" This wasn't a question she'd never expected to hear from Dr. Sheldon Cooper and a cloud of confusion passed over her brow.

"My forehead! Is my forehead hot," he huffed, mildly taxed by her hesitation.

"Oh-h right," she stuttered, rose quickly from the chair and stepped forward, so she could place the back of her hand on his brow. "Nope, you don't have a fever. See, no parasites. You're fine," she said, and sat back down.

"I don't feel fine."

"Of course you don't. It's stress brought on by the shock of losing someone you love."

His shoulders dropped and he rolled them backwards in a circular motion to try to release this "stress" she spoke of. The corners of Penny's mouth curled into a half smile as she watched this ritual. Then with a little shake he picked up the fork, tried a mouthful and said, "An acceptable effort Penny."

"Thank you," she said. "Now, tell me what Amy said."

"She said it was challenging to be my girlfriend, both emotionally and physically."

Well, she wasn't going to argue with that. Amy was in pain and she had been for years. It was clear to anyone with half a brain that she wasn't always happy. The complaints were far too frequent and everyone needs physical affection. Well, almost everyone. "What had changed to make her take action?" Penny thought. She would seek the answer at some point, but right now, Sheldon was her main concern.

Over the years, Penny had fallen into step with her oddball neighbor. Their friendship was the most unique match-up she had ever experienced. Here was someone who was infinitely more intelligent than her, yet he just couldn't make sense of other peoples needs. She knew she wasn't smart like Amy or Bernadette but at times like this, he made her feel like a guru, just for being who she was. This was something only he could do for her and it cemented the friendship in a way everyone noticed. She would always know what was going on with Sheldon, and her friends had made many comments about their 'connection', as if there was something strange and unnatural about it. Recently, they had come to the conclusion that they were very much like brother and sister and the others seemed happy to have an explanation. Although, Penny wasn't sure why it mattered. They were friends. It may be a strange friendship but it was an important one, for both of them.

"Okay, let's start with the first one, emotionally challenging," she said.

"Okay."

"Now honey, when Amy says its emotionally challenging, she's saying that her feelings are getting hurt or not met. You may not be aware of this but it's still happening."

"But how can I fix something I'm not aware of?"

"You just need to try to be a little…" Penny searched for a word she thought he'd accept. "… less factual."

"You mean lie."

"No not lie. There's something that people call a 'little white lie'. It's a good lie."

"A good lie." He frowned, and she knew he wasn't convinced.

"A little white lie is used to save someone's feelings. So when Amy asks you a question, you first need to consider if it's a boyfriend question, or a scientific question."

"I'm not very good at that," he said, shaking his head.

"I know, you're _awful_ at it," she laughed.

"Damn, why isn't Amy more like you?"

Penny smiled. "That's probably one of those things you really shouldn't say. Just remember, love is about a deep and honest bond."

"It sounds dreadful," he huffed.

"Says the man who likes to be sung 'Soft Kitty' when his sick, and given cocoa with little marshmallows, when he's upset."

"That's different."

"No, it's not," she explained. "You have to think of these things as Amy's 'Soft Kitty.'"

"Hmm, I suppose I could look at it like that."

"Great, so when you're making out and she asks you what you're thinking? You ask yourself, "Is this a boyfriend question or a scientific question?" and then if it's a boyfriend question, you say something you think she might like."

"Like what?"

"Like, "I was thinking about how happy I am to be with you.""

He frowned. "Even if I'm thinking about the Flash?"

"Yes, even if you're thinking about the Flash."

"I don't think I can do that."

"You just need practice. You just need to get used to saying the sorts of things she would like to hear."

He stopped for a second to consider her suggestion, tilted his head to the side and nodded in acceptance. "Could you draw up a list of the things Amy would expect to hear? Then I could practice."

Penny looked at those innocent eyes and figured this was as close as he would get to grasping this, "Sure, why not," she said.

"Thank you, this chat has been very helpful," he said, shoveling down a forkful of spaghetti to signal the subject was closed.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Huh?" he said, mid-mouthful.

"Amy also said that it was physically challenging to be your girlfriend."

He chewed for a longer time than usual, spun his fork in a counter clockwise direction watching the strands as they tangled.

"You can't avoid it forever Sheldon," Penny said gently.

He didn't answer but his face clouded over and she could almost feel the tension build and see the internal struggle inside him. He wasn't yet able to give Amy everything she needed and could do nothing to prevent what was happening. "You mean coitus," he said, in the faintest voice.

"Yes," she answered, feeling a wave of sadness pass over her.

 _Achoo!_

"Bless you."


	3. Chapter 3

Two days later, Penny's phone hummed while she was making breakfast. She'd already received several text messages from Leonard since they got back but this was from Bernadette, it read, "I'm so sorry to hear that both of my dear friends have trouble in their relationships. Emergency girls night? Let's chat. Bx"

Amy replied immediately to say she was "Available from 7pm". Penny hesitated, dropping the phone in her bag and not looking at it again until lunchtime. She was happy to talk about Sheldon but wasn't ready to discuss her own situation and hoped the girls wouldn't hassle her. After much thought, she decided to avoid questions about Leonard and offer support to Amy instead. She would explain Sheldon's side of things, tell her he cared but she wouldn't push it. It had to be realistic to work for both of them. Reading the text one more time, she replied. "Of course. Girls night at my place at 7pm x"

When the knock came a few minutes after the hour, she said, "Here goes nothing," and went for the door.

"Hi Penny, how are you?" Bernadette said, a sympathetic tone in her voice. Amy was standing alongside her looking very glum. "Hello Penny."

"Hey, come on in," she said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

"So, no wedding then?" Bernadette said.

It had started.

"Nope, no wedding," she said, and began pouring wine into the empty glasses she had set on the table in preparation, without asking if they wanted any.

"How sad," Bernadette said, "You were so happy."

Happy?

Her mind flashed back to the day they left. The journey to Vegas began with such enthusiasm, as spontaneous acts often do. As she sat next to him watching the lights flit by on the highway, she was perfectly relaxed with the decision they were making. It was true that his confession came as a surprise but she was going to see it through. Sheldon's goading provided the initial catalyst but soon after her own sense of pride kicked in. She knew the reputation she had.

Non-committal Penny. Dreamer Penny. The girl who didn't know what she wanted. The girl who always had one foot out the door.

Her friends never said it but she knew what they were thinking and planned to prove everyone wrong. Her family, her friends, herself. She would return to Pasadena, a married woman.

Committed Penny. Purposeful Penny. The girl who could, the girl who did.

No one would look down on her anymore, roll their eyes when they thought she couldn't see, or give her that look she was so familiar with, the one that said, "Silly Penny, always getting it wrong." So yes, the journey that day had begun with determination and happiness that she was finally making what she thought was a smart choice.

"I can't believe how much has changed in just one week," Amy said.

"Neither can I," she said, "and I'm sorry about you and Sheldon."

"Thanks. I never dreamed I would be doing this. But I need time to reassess my life and this relationship, so I've put us on hold, for now," She looked over at Penny who was sitting next to her, "…but you and Leonard are…?"

"We're calling it a day."

Bernadette gasped. "Oh no!" she said, "You know the terrible time I went through with my Howie just before the wedding and look at us now. We're happily married and you played a part in that. I'm sure you can work things out with Leonard. He's such a nice guy."

Penny's lips tightened as she resisted the urge to say anything. Bernadette was only trying to help; they always 'tried to help'. Taking another sip, she redirected the conversation. "So how are you feeling Amy?"

"I'm bearing up," she said. "It's hard, you know. You must be feeling the same."

"Well…"

No, she really wasn't.

Penny's mind returned to the moment when Leonard told her that he'd made out with another girl. She should have been angry right away but she wasn't. It was delayed, like when you accidently knock your elbow and it doesn't hurt for a second, yet you know it's coming. Nothing at first, then a little shock and then the pressure started to build under her ribcage.

The card itself may have been nothing. There could have been an innocent explanation but she didn't want to hear it because what it triggered was unstoppable. A dreadful feeling of humiliation flooded Penny's every fiber. Leonard was supposed to be different to all the other guys she had chosen in the past. He was supposed to be the guy who would never let her down but now she realized that this just wasn't true. There are no guarantees in love and Leonard, the clever guy, was just as capable of cheating on her as Kurt, the stupid. He didn't possess any special superhero qualities that excluded him. In fact, as she looked back over the years there were many instances which should have suggested a weak character, yet Penny had always been blind to this failing in men.

Her world came crashing down that night in Leonard's car. She had based her entire future on a fantasy. The idea that he was the one who would never hurt her again and once this illusion crumbled away, it changed the entire picture she held in her mind. She no longer had any desire to be with him, it evaporated away in a few painful minutes, along with the illusion that Leonard couldn't be like other men simply because he was a nerd. "How could I be so stupid…again?" she cursed herself.

The reality of what she was about to do that night, hit Penny hard, quickly followed by a deep sense of guilt. She knew Leonard was a bad choice, right from the start and had hesitated so many times and now she had hurt everyone. Even her friends.

Muffled voices began to interrupt her despair as she realized that while she had drifted back to that awful night, Bernadette and Amy had continued talking around her, "…and sometimes I want to call him, or email him when I see an article he might like. Or get an exciting result at work, but I won't. Just a little more time I think."

"Good for you," Bernadette said. "That guy really needs to pull his socks up."

"Those socks only go up so far but he is trying," Penny said, quickly rejoining the conversation.

"Well not hard enough! After all Amy has done for him!"

Done for him? Penny frowned at the odd choice of words. She wondered if they thought Leonard had done things for her too. Amy had offered her company, her time and been patient with his reluctance to get physical but Penny found herself wondering if Sheldon had actually asked for any of that. He had been very specific about what he wouldn't do and it seemed that Amy was the one not dealing with it. This really wasn't ALL Sheldon's fault. It was both of them. If they couldn't get past it, then they weren't going anywhere. "Well, he isn't like other guys," she found herself saying.

"I know he's different Penny but Bernadette is right, he's not giving me enough, either emotionally or physically and I can't accept that anymore. I just can't."

"I know, I'm sorry," she said.

Amy gave her a thin smile and took a large mouthful of wine. "Have you spoken to Leonard?" she asked.

"Not since the crash."

"Oh Penny," Bernadette huffed. "You have to talk to him. I'm sure he simply forgot he had that card. Just go and see him. Be brave."

Penny felt a little annoyed. Maybe she was being irrational but she could do with some support. "Brave," she repeated, trying to swing them off track again, "Sheldon called it 'brave' that I was willing to forgive the kissing," she said.

"You spoke to Sheldon?" Amy chirped.

Oh dear!

Penny knew instantly that she should have kept that to herself and tried to offer some compensation. "Yes, and he does care for you Amy, he's very upset."

"When did you see him?"

"He came over for dinner when I got back," she said, the atmosphere iced over as the other two women visibly tensed. "…I-I invited him because he was upset," she added.

Amy crossed her arms. "So instead of talking to Leonard, you talked to Sheldon?"

"I just wanted to help."

"Oh here we go, being all sisterly again," Bernadette said.

"Yes, we know you have this sibling connection Penny but it does get rather tiring." Amy said.

"I wasn't in the mood to talk to Leonard and I've been friends with Sheldon a long time. He's just hopeless at some things and likes to hear what I have to say."

"But you don't have to protect him all the time. He's not your …brother." Bernadette said. Penny hadn't known she was protecting him and why had she hesitated like that? It's almost as if she meant to say. "He's not your boyfriend!"

"I know but…" she started, finding herself on the defensive as the two women rounded at her.

"Whose side are you on?" Bernadette huffed.

"I'm not on anyone's side," Penny pleaded. "I just thought he might need someone to talk too."

"Yes but we don't want Sheldon to keep going to you, Penny! That's been going on long enough, we want him to go to Amy." Bernadette looked furious.

"It would be preferable!" Amy puffed.

"I'm sorry, I was just offering him some suggestions," she said desperately.

"What suggestions?"

She went to speak but the words trapped at the back of her throat. When she considered exactly what it was she had suggested to Sheldon, it didn't sound quite so noble as it had on the night. She had suggested that he learn to lie and offered him a list of things he could say in place of what he was really thinking. Penny's heart ached, as she realized quite suddenly what terrible advice that was. Not once, had she stopped to ask him what he wanted, or to offer space to come to a decision on his own. Assuming, just as Amy and Bernadette were doing right now, that putting the relationship back together was the only solution.

"Nothing…" she said, weakly. "I'm getting another bottle," Penny said, going for the fridge.

At this, Bernadette calmed down and her tone flipped over into a suspiciously saccharine sing-song. "You know that's not going to solve your problems," she said.

"What?" Penny said, dragging bottle number two from the fridge and returning to sit down.

"The wine," Amy said. "It's not doing to fix things with you and Leonard."

"Well, that's just as well, because I'm not trying to fix things with Leonard."

"He deserves another chance Penny," Amy said. "He regrets what happened and only kept the card as a memento."

"You've spoken to Leonard?"

"Yes, he called us both. He's very worried about you and just wants to sort this out." Bernadette said.

And that was the reason she didn't want to talk to them. They always took his side. All she wanted was a couple of girlfriends who would say, "Take all the time you need," "Do what is right for you," or even something as cliché as, "Listen to your heart."

"Okay, I'll talk to him," she said, hoping this would satisfy them and as the subject quickly changed back to solving, "the problem of Sheldon", it must have been enough for now.

As the night drew on and the wine flowed, Penny listened to the girls chat away, becoming more and more disconnected from the conversation. Amy was going to start dating again and they reasoned, that this would be the turning point for Sheldon. He would realize what he was missing and beg her to take him back. She added a few nods here and there but wasn't paying much attention. Tonight had been somewhat of a revelation for Penny as she realized how she was guilty, like everyone else in this small group, of well-meaning interference. Penny didn't know if Amy and Bernadette were right about Sheldon, but she wasn't going to presume anything anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

"Have you see this? Botcon tickets have gone on sale." Howard beamed, excitedly. The atmosphere was positivity gloomy. Leonard and Sheldon had barely spoken since he and Raj got to 4A and Howard had been desperately searching, laptop on knees, for something to lighten the mood.

"Huh?" Leonard responded, eyes on the TV screen.

"BOTcon!" Howard repeated with emphasis.

"It's Pasadena's one and only Transformer convention," Sheldon said, sounding equally as mopey.

Howard waited for a further response from his lackluster audience and when none came, he continued. "Come on guys! They are doing a five-figure 'Most Wanted' box-set."

Nothing.

"Don't bother Howard," Raj said, shaking his head. "They're swimming the murky waters of the broken-hearted. We should be watching Sandra Bullock in a rom-com instead of channel surfing." He said, stretching out an arm towards the remote. "I can look, if you like."

Howard gave him a warning glare and Raj withdrew the arm. "A mint in box figure from the Deception Battletrap will cheer you guys right up. Or how about the Thief from Autobot Stepper?"

Leonard glanced wearily, "Maybe…" he said.

"There you go! Leonard's in," Howard said. "How about you Sheldon?"

"Perhaps."

Howard sighed. "I can't believe you're not excited about meeting one of your distant relatives, Sheldon." he said, trying a joke. This at least attracted the thin mans attention long enough for him to turn and say, "While I know you find it deeply amusing to compare me to a Cybertron, neither I, nor Leonard, are in the mood for your mirth."

"Mirth!" Raj sniggered.

"Well, I'm ordering 4 tickets. You're both going and that's the end of it." Howard said, slamming a finger down on the keyboard.

Leonard smiled thinly and looked towards Sheldon, "I'm sorry Amy dumped you," he said.

"Thank you Leonard. Although, I don't really know if she did dump me. What does 'taking a step back' mean in real terms?"

There was a polite pause at first, "Yup, she dumped you." Howard responded.

"I'm sorry you guys are feeling sad," Raj said, and the physicist acknowledged him with a nod.

"I'm fine, I just have this awful headache which Penny seemed to think is heartbreak," he said.

"You've seen Penny?" Leonard asked, with sudden interest.

"Yes, she invited me for dinner when I told her about Amy."

"Huh?" Leonard paused thoughtfully. "Did she say anything about me?"

"Not during dinner, no." he said.

Leonard slumped down in the armchair looking utterly dejected.

"She said plenty before though," Sheldon continued. "There was ranting, pacing and arm waving. Something about an indiscretion while on the North Sea expedition."

Howard and Raj's ears prickled up at this juicy nugget of information. They knew the elopers had failed to tie the knot in Vegas but he had been stretchy about the details so far. Leonard lifted himself upright in the chair and pressed the rim of his glasses on his nose. "Just a misunderstanding." he said.

"Do tell." Howard said, leaning forward.

"Well, you remember when you got married and Bernadette wanted to know about your past?"

"Yessss."

"Well, I may have kissed someone... while I was away."

"You dog!" Raj gasped.

Leonard grinned for the first time since they'd arrived.

"It believe the card was a weightier issue." Sheldon added.

Answering the guys inquiring looks, he said, "I just had the girls phone number on a card but it meant nothing."

"Ah the old 'keep-your-options-open' routine." Howard said.

"No, it wasn't like that. Once Penny calms down we'll sort it out and we'll be back in the car to Vegas, in no time." he said, feeling instantly more positive.

Sheldon's eyes bore into the back of his head at this statement. The thought of Leonard and Penny trying again grated on his nerves. He had grown to accept that they were going to marry, and supported them making this commitment but when they failed to complete such a simple task, he began to view their relationship through the eyes of a scientist. Physicists are known to live in dread of what is known as the 'null result', which is an experiment that fails to produce results and he feared Leonard was suffering from a similar lack of clarity.

 _Achoo!_

"Bless you."

"You're not getting sick are you?" Howard said, quickly. "Because I'm not playing wet nurse now Amy's not in the picture."

"No I believe it's a love sneeze."

Howard shook his head in confusion. "I'll never understand the oddball ways of Sheldon Cooper," he said.

"Penny said my symptoms were from stress."

"She could be right. Stress lowers the immune system. I hope you get Amy back so you can get well, dude." Raj said.

"That might be more difficult than you think. Penny has informed me that I have to learn to tell 'little white lies'."

"Leonard might be able to help you with that one," Howard said, directing a cheeky grin towards his be-speckled friend.

"Oh very funny!" Leonard groaned but his mood was definitely lifting. "Although, I could give you some advice on what to say to Amy."

This irritated Sheldon even more. Now he was getting advice from Leonard! Hadn't Penny just dumped him?

 _Achoo!_

"Bless you."

"She also said I would have to have coitus."

The room fell deathly quiet for a few restrained seconds, before it erupted into raucous laughter, startling Sheldon in his seat.

"Woo-hoo, about time you got it over with."

"Sheldon and Amy doing the bouncy!" said Raj.

"I'll give you some pointers. I'm an sex-pert," Howard said

"I'm the king of foreplay," Leonard smirked.

 _Achoo!_

Sheldon's left eye began to twitch as he became more and more agitated by the disagreeable onslaught. He twisted back and forward, in his spot not sure which way to turn.

"Get down and dirty Sheldor."

 _Achoo! Achoo! AchoooooOOOOOO!_

 _PING!_

It shot across the room, pinged off the edge of the computer desk, hit the kitchen counter and rolled across the floor out of sight. The laughter ceased and everyone's attention was drawn in the direction of the projectile, which had just expelled itself from Sheldon's left nostril.

"What the _hell_ was that?" Leonard shouted.

Sheldon slowly rose from his seat and shakily walked towards the object, as though he was afraid it might turn and attack him. The guys waited with baited breath as he lent down to pick to up.

"What is it?" Raj hushed.

"It's a piece of tech!" Howard said, the panic rising in his voice. "My god, you ARE a robot. I was just kidding around but you are? AREN'T YOU?" he barked. Raj's eyes grew wide in shock. He rose from his seat, ready to take flight. Leonard gave the crazy pair a derisive look and huffed loudly. He got out of the armchair and went to take a look at what Sheldon was holding in his palm. "It's a coin?" he said.

"A Mexican peso!" Sheldon purred.

Howard and Raj looked at one another for answers. "Is that the Mexican peso you've had up your nose since you were five?" Howard asked.

"Yes, ever since Billy Sparks put it there. It must have been working its way out all this time," he was smiling now.

The click of a door opening across the hall sounded, and Sheldon's Vulcan hearing spiked. He bolted across the room and left the apartment in a flash. "PENNY!" She jumped.

"Aghh! God! What Sheldon?"

"Look!" he said, extending his hand as if he were revealing the magic ring of Mordor itself.

She looked at the little tarnished blob and curled her lip. "What am I looking at?"

"A Mexican peso. It's been up my nose for 30 years," he said.

"Ewwwwww Sheldon!"

"Don't you know what this means?"

"That your personal hygiene standards have dropped dramatically and you like to keep coins up your nose?"

"No. It means I'm not in love, " he said. "It wasn't heartbreak, or a parasitic infection, it was this." he said, staring in awe at the tiny brown spot in his palm. "It must have been working its way through my sinuses for the past two years."

"Okay great, but why is that making you so cheerful?" she said smiling at her crazy neighbor.

"Because…" he said, throwing up his arms just like his daddy used too, when his team hit right off the bat. "I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE COITUS!"

"Well congratulations," Penny called, as he happily skipped down the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

"Good morning Leonard," came a cheerful greeting as he staggering into the kitchen the following morning. His roommate was standing over the cooktop in matching forest green pajamas and dressing gown, looking far too alert for Leonard's liking. "Morning Sheldon," he groaned.

"I've made coffee and there's fresh orange juice. Would you like French toast?" he said, flipping over a slice and raising a quizzical eyebrow.

Leonard furrowed over in suspicion, "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing at all. I feel great and it's a glorious morning, don't you think?"

He pulled out a stool and sat down as a mug was promptly placed down in front of him. "But you're making French toast and it's not French toast day?" he said, still frowning.

"I know, it's a butterfly effect morning," Sheldon chirped.

This comment left Leonard slightly perturbed.

"Not the winged insect Leonard! The dynamical systems of chaos theory, of course." Sheldon added.

"Oh of course, but you're not going to take up the bongos again, are you?"

"Rest assured, I am not."

Leonard took a little sip of the hot coffee he'd been offered. "Okay but why are you all chipper this morning?"

"I'm cured! The headaches have gone and to top it off, I've been released from the burden of interpersonal expectation."

"You mean released from Amy's expectation."

"Don't say it like that!" he snapped, "…but yes!"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Amy was good for you Sheldon. You should be working out how to get her back."

"Yet I am not."

"I thought you were going to marry her and eventually have coitus, or whatever it is which passes for a mating ritual between the two of you."

"Well, that was when I thought you and Penny were going to marry. Now I know you're not, there's no longer any urgency to make my own provisions for pair bonding and reproduction."

"Penny and I _are_ still getting married!"

"Oh Leonard," he sighed. "As a scientist you must see that the chances of long-term stability between the two of you is statistically improbable. You've never been able to apply analytical thinking to your own life, so I've done the numbers for you." He said, pulling a notebook from his dressing gown pocket and placing it delicately down next to the mug.

"You've been working on this?" he asked.

"The lack of closure bothered me."

"You? Never?" said Leonard sarcastically, which Sheldon ignored.

"I thought it would be helpful."

"Penny and I are not science," he said, pushing the pad away.

"Everything is science, Leonard. Now eat your toast," he said, depositing a plate with two slices on the countertop.

Leonard picked up one, blew on it for a few seconds and took a small bite out the corner. "Are you going to be seeing Penny today?" he asked.

Sheldon thought about this question then said. "Well, as Howard and Raj are on their way here for a Transformer marathon in preparation for Botcon. And Penny has no interest in either Autobots nor Decepticons, I don't expect so.

"Hmmmmm."

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I need a favor."

"What sort of favor?" he asked, placing down his mug to give the request full attention.

"I want you to talk to Penny."

"About what?"

"About me and her, of course!" Leonard huffed in frustration. "I want you to tell her how silly she's being and explain how I had no intention of having an affair with Mandy. Ever! It was a mistake and I meant to throw the card away."

"Did you mean to throw the card away?"

"Well y-yes, of course and I have. I've done it."

Sheldon stared intently at his roommate trying to see if there was any flicker of duplicity behind those little brown eyes. "Damn it," he said. "You know I can't tell when I am being deceived."

Leonard relaxed and smiled. "So will you help?"

"Your phone." Sheldon said, holding out his hand.

"What? Why?"

"Because if Mandy's number is in your phone, then I know throwing the card away is not relevant."

"Oh come on Sheldon," he moaned, "It makes no difference if the number is in my phone or not."

"I chose to differ," he said. "Given your history of 7 involvements over 8 years and 1 attempted involvement with my own sister. You have a 28.5% preponderancy for deception and if I count the times you have deceived a friend to obtain a woman this jumps up to a disconcerting 71%."

"What? 71% there's no way." Sheldon gave him a challenging look.

"All I'm asking is you plead my case. Just like you did before."

But things were different this time. Sheldon's friendship for Penny had developed and he wasn't sure which one of his friends was destined to be hurt the most, if they went ahead with this union. He couldn't have it on his conscience. "Phone," he repeated.

"Just help me. You know how much she means to me."

"Why can't you just ask her yourself?"

"I've tried but she won't talk about it. And we all know you two have this odd connection. She trusts you."

She trusts you. The words hung in the air.

"So you want me to convince her to marry you again?"

"Yes!"

 _Achoo!_

"Bless you."

"Oh dear lord!" Within a second of realizing he had sneezed through coin-free nostrils, he was on the floor hyperventilating with the short man leaning over him. "Sheldon, it was just a sneeze. Calm down."

"No, you don't understand, the coin is out. I must be sick! I need to go to the clinic immediately. Drive me!"

Leonard groaned. "Only if you talk to Penny."

"Yes, yes… I must talk to Penny… I'm not cured after all. I must get the list, the list of things Amy will expect…"

 _Achoo!_

"I must fix all of this… oh god Penny was right… it's love-stress… I hope it's not terminal…"

 _Achoo!_

"Everything will be all right, Sheldon. You'll get Amy back. I'll get Penny back, and everything will return to how it was." Leonard said, soothingly.

 _Achoo!_

Sheldon had staggered across the room and out the door now, totally disregarding that he was still dressed in pajamas. "Yes, yes… talk… to Penny," he panted.

"We'll wait until you get back to start the Transformers marathon," Leonard called after him, as the thin figure disappeared out the door. Leonard smiled at how easy that had been, then he happily settled down to finish his lovely fresh coffee and French toast.

Knock, knock, knock "Penny." _Gasp!_

Knock, knock, knock "Penny." _Gasp!_

Knock, knock, knock "Penny." _Gasp!_

The door opened quickly. "Sheldon, what it is? And why are you breathing like my cousins husky?" she said, worry in her voice.

"Peeennnny!" _Gasp!_ "I-I need to go to the LabCorp … need full blood works...Leonard won't drive me until I see you…"

"Okay sweetie, just back right up, what's happened?"

 _Achoo!_

"Oh!" she said, "I'll get my keys." He nodded and shivered simultaneously as she grabbed her bag in a flash and pulled the door firmly shut, leading him by the forearm down the staircase.

 _Achoo!_

"Any chance there's more loose change up there?" She said, eyeing one flared nostril incase anything else was about to make an sudden appearance.

He shook is head, "No, there was only ever one."

 _Achoo!_

"The list…! do you have the list?" he asked, as they proceeded down the next flight.

"Nope, I haven't done it."

"Why not?" he cried.

"Because you don't need a list, Sheldon"

"But you said…"

"Forget what I said. If you want to think about the Flash when you kiss a girl, you go right ahead," she said.

"But why have you changed your mind?"

"I was wrong, you're perfect as you are."

"Huh!" he said, straightening up. "I always thought so, but thanks for noticing." She let out a laugh, but as they climbed into the car he seemed to have stopped sneezing.


	6. Chapter 6

Later that day, Penny was driving a rather aggrieved physicist back from the clinic. She had just spent two long hours waiting for the results, as he went over all the potential pathogens which may be responsible and how he couldn't believe he had fallen for that "twaddle" about break-up stress, so he was not prepared for the diagnosis that came.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Dr Evered had insisted, meeting Sheldon's glare with an equally determined one of his own. The tall red-headed man had encountered Sheldon before and knew it was best to keep his explanations factual. "There's no inflammation in the throat or nasal area and nothing on the blood works. It could have been dust, or some other airborne allergen."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," he said, "Also considering the frequency of these tests, have you considered that anxiety plays its part? We have some literature on how to deal with panic attacks which you may find helpful." He said and when Sheldon didn't take them from his outstretched hand, he offered them to Penny.

"Great, let's go!" Penny said, accepting the pamphlets.

"What about the sneezing?" Sheldon asked.

"It's probably nothing to worry about," he insisted.

"Probably…" Sheldon sulked, as they pulled out of the car park. "Did Newton say gravity was _probably_ the force that drew objects together? Did Faraday _probably_ discover electrical current?"

"No idea," Penny said, distractedly. "But look on the bright side, you're not sick." She beamed.

"I'm not sure that is the bright side."

"Why not?"

"Because the alternative is far too horrific to consider."

"Sheldon, you're stressed. It's natural and very human."

He drew in a breath. "Human?" he spat, as if she'd struck him.

"Yes," she said softly, "...and it's human to feel upset over Amy."

"I'm not upset over Amy, I've been trying to tell you that for days." he said pursing his lips in an irritated fashion, "It was Leonard!"

"Oh!"

Penny wasn't sure she wanted to know what 'stress' her ex was causing. It helped to disengage from thoughts of him as she tried to move forward. Guilty feelings had confused her in the past. Those puppy dog eyes, coupled with pressure from her friends, could easily make her feel like a terrible person, just for being honest. She had expected a lecture from Sheldon when she got back from Vegas, unmarried and decoupled. That lecture had never materialized and after a long morning of Sheldonesque-style hypochondria, she prayed that it wouldn't be now.

"Yes, I'm fairly sure Leonard was the trigger." Sheldon continued to ponder to himself. "Leonard and his declining statistics."

Declining statistics?

"So it's something to do with work then?" she gasped, feeling relieved.

"No, it's something to do with you."

"Argh! Please don't preach to me about what a great guy Leonard is."

"Okay."

She looked sideways at the man sitting next to her, in a faded blue Superman tee and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You better not start."

"It's true Leonard asked me to plead his case, he wants to talk."

"Right."

"And I have done my duty by telling you that. My duty as a friend to Leonard," he said, fidgeting slightly and falling silent as they drove on, only to suddenly turn and quickly add. "Although as I have been informed you trust me and in the spirit of that trust... I recommend that you do the math," he said, a stern look on his face. "That's all I'm saying."

Do the math? Penny smiled, she didn't have a clue was he was on about but was extremely grateful that this was, "all he had to say".

They were almost home and he hadn't spoken for a while.

"You okay?" she asked, her unusually quiet passenger.

"I'm thinking," he said.

"About what?"

"Anxiety and love."

"Aha! So you admit I was right?" she said, provocatively.

He pushed out his chin in defiance and swallowed. "Perhaps."

"My god! Sheldon Cooper admits he's wrong and I'm right."

"I didn't say that," he snorted.

She simply gave him a big grin.

"But it's possible I may be afflicted."

"Love not an affliction, Sheldon."

He gave her a smug look. "Ah yes, love is a deep and honest bond with another person which makes them more important to you than anyone else?" he said, parroting back the phrase she had used on him, the other evening.

"Yes it is… smart-arse," she shot back.

"Well then, that's you."

"What's me?"

"You are the person." Two large eyes connected with hers and if he was aware how disconcerting that last statement was, it certainly didn't show. Penny was taken back and a little confused as she listened to his reasoning. "I suppose Leonard could have qualified as 'the person" but you still figure more stronger on the honesty front, so I conclude that it has to be you." He said, "It's fascinating how much we share, a great deal more than I would share with Amy." Penny turned back to the road to avoid the intensity of those pupils.

"I-I wasn't talking about that type of love." she chuckled, nervously.

"What type?"

"The sisterly type." she said.

"Ah yes the intimacy test. How very puzzling."

"What do you mean by puzzling?"

"I have a sister and I have no interest in seeing her anymore than I have too. Once every three years is perfectly sufficient."

"Well..." she said, her throat suddenly drying up, "Think of me as your other sister."

"My other sister..." he pondered these words, as they pulled onto Los Roples Avenue. "My other sister," he repeated, as though deciding on the validity of the statement.

Penny suddenly felt the awkward silence, as she wondered what was wrong with this picture. "Oh, I've got it," she burst out. "We're friends!"

A furrow settled between his eyebrows. "Yes, but we established that we were friends seven years ago. It was a moderate Saturday in the laundry room, on 22nd September 2008 to be precise. Why didn't we simply re-state this fact, when we took the intimacy test?"

"I really don't know," she whispered.

This was a 'little white lie'.

Penny knew. She knew as soon as she opened her mouth to speak. Over the years, it had become apparent that her friendship with Sheldon caused certain individuals to feel uncomfortable. It was not enough to say that she and Sheldon had a connection of sorts. They seemed to require further explanation. So calling him a 'brother' was not for their benefit at all, but for the benefit of others. It was safe. Penny had unconsciously sensed this but now she knew for sure.

This friendship unbalanced the group.

She wondered if Sheldon knew this as well, deep down in that big old brain of his and giving him a sideways glance, she said, "You want to go get ice cream?"

"Oh yes!" he said, "but I'm still wearing my pajamas."

"We could stop by the mall."

"Okay."

And she turned the car around.

* * *

"I don't want to wait any longer, let's just start the first movie?" Raj groaned.

"Yeah, the Autobots are getting restless," said Howard, gesturing to an array of colourful robot figurines on the coffee table. "They might have to start their own battle for the universe."

"But if we start watching Sheldon will launch into a tirade and make us go back to the beginning." Raj said.

"He'll be back any minute," Leonard said, shuffling through some papers on his desk.

"You've been saying that for hours."

"You know he'll make Penny wait for the results," Howard said, rolling his eyes. "It could be days!" he said, flopping back on the couch with a defeated sigh.

Leonard swivelled around to face the restless visitors. "Remember last summer when you repaired that remote-control drone and we all went to the park to test it?"

"Sure," Raj said, "And Sheldon pricked himself on a wire and thought he'd been bitten by a Australian Redback because we'd brought those imported bananas."

Leonard grinned and continued, "… and then two months ago, he thought he'd contracted influenza when that woman from the medical compliance program coughed on him?"

Howard began to chuckle. "He called it the COMPILANCE CONSPIRACY," he boomed.

"Oh yeah," Raj recalled, "he thought she was trying to incapacitate him, so he couldn't report weaknesses in their online systems:

"Well, the point is," Leonard said. "I've taken Sheldon for blood works on many occasions. They know him well at LabCrop and it only takes a couple of hours."

"So where is he then?" Howard asked, tapping at his watch.

"It might take a bit longer today because they have something to talk about," he said, heading to the telephone and hastily picking it up. "I'll order a pizza while we wait." He said.

"Well that doesn't sounds mysterious at all," Howard said sarcastically, looking over at Raj. "Talk about what?"

Leonard sighed. "Well, you know Penny are I are…" he paused.

"On a break?" Raj offered.

He shifted on his feet uncomfortably. "No, just temporarily…. not communicating… very well."

"Or at all." Raj said.

Leonard shot him a glare and he slumped shyly into the couch.

But Howard had already worked it out. "Oh my god! You've asked Sheldon to talk her on your behalf, haven't you?" he said.

"No way!" Raj said.

"Do you think it's a bad idea?" Leonard asked, doubt creeping into his voice.

Raj held up a Transformer toy. "Never send a robot to do a man's job," he teased.

"I don't know," Howard said. "Leonard has a point. We all know that when it comes to Sheldon, Penny has this sort of..."

"Soft spot?" Raj said.

"Well, I wouldn't call it that," Leonard whined.

"Okay then, so they have a thing," Raj said.

"They don't have a thing!" he snapped.

"A connection?" Raj said.

Howard turned to his sweater-vested buddy, "Yeah, but when you say _connection_ , you make it sound like a thing," he hushed.

Leonard was becoming increasingly annoyed with this conversation. "It's not a thing, or a connection, or a soft spot. She just looks out for him, like a…"

"Sister."

"Mother."

"Yeah either of those," he said, his voice cracking nervously as he began to punch in the numbers for pizza delivery, pausing before the final digit to look up and ask, "You don't think Sheldon will mess it up do you?"

The guys looked back with concerned expressions. "Well..." Howard started.


	7. Chapter 7

_What is it about butts?_

Penny didn't know, nor care. She grew up a tomboy racing around under a big sky, like a swallow, dipping and diving and no one could ever stop her. In those youthful days there was one goal in her head, that if she could run fast enough she could take off, just like the swallows did and never come back. Swoop away into the wilderness, which scared so many others but never her because she belonged out there. Like a wild, untamed creature under the sun or in the grass, digging and playing until sunset. Every day she would practice, tearing along the field as fast as her bare feet could muster, with arms outstretched and at the ready. Until she could run no more, falling into the fragrant grass, her lungs burning.

 _Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would make it._

It barely registered when her first boyfriend said, "You got a cute butt." It meant nothing. The thing about butts is you never see them because they're round the back. Right? So, unless you're the type of girl brought up in a house with a lot full-length mirrors, they go unnoticed. Penny wasn't that type of girl. She was 'Slugger' and she never stopped wanting to be the comrade, the pal, the sidekick, the friend. It was who she was deep within but as she grew older it seemed, she could no longer find this. At the end of her fourteenth summer after emerging from a fierce growing spurt, everyone suddenly cared about butts. Her butt to be precise.

"Do you think I have a cute butt?"

The physicist glared at her in bewilderment, "I don't understand the question?"

"My butt? Is it cute?"

"Cute is not a description I use to describe body parts. In fact I never use it to describe anything"

"Okay then, use a word of your own"

"It's symmetrical"

She chuckled. "All butts are symmetrical."

"Not so."

"It's also approximately 25% more rounded than average."

"I like the way you are so factual about appearance."

"I'm factual about everything."

Penny didn't want to go back to her apartment after the clinic. She wanted to go somewhere quiet and Sheldon wanted to go somewhere educational. So when he suggested they try the Mt. Wilson Observatory because it was both "quiet and educational," she agreed. They'd already been to the mall, had ice cream and stopped by the comic book store, so he could get a new Superman tee to wear but the final visit to the observatory was better than anything she could have thought of herself. The view was from their vantage point on the hilltop was absolutely majestic. As though the entire world had stopped breathing and the silence buzzed in their ears. "It's beautiful here," she whispered.

"I suppose it is."

"I can't believe I've never been," she said. "It's only a 40 minute drive from home."

"Raj and I come up here often when there are comets, meteor showers or conjunctions. You can view NASA's New Horizons spacecraft, it's due to pass by this month. Which is very interesting from a scientific standpoint."

His words stung a little, she knew she was not someone he could share a scientific standpoint with. "Do you wish Amy was here instead of me?" The words came out without reflection and she instantly regretted them, feeling the apples on her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

 _God! This was not a date. Stop it!_

Sheldon was peering out the opposite side window lost in his own thoughts. "No," he replied almost absentmindedly. "You're easier to please."

"Err, I don't like that sound of that but go on…"

"No doubt Amy would value this trip but she already has a great deal of knowledge about such things."

She shot a stormy look in his direction. "And I'm stupid?"

"If you were stupid I wouldn't speak to you at all. I enjoy educating you on this more fundamental topic, it's fruitful, if not a little frustrating at times."

 _Yeah, this really wasn't a date!_

"You're a right charmer, Sheldon!" she huffed.

"I am?" he beamed, one side of his mouth curling upwards in satisfaction.

"It was a joke."

"Oh, please warn me next time."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Alright big brain," she said, releasing the seat belt with a click and pulling the door handle. "Educate me!" she slid out of the car and made her way with long slow strides up the path towards the first building, with Sheldon following close behind.

"Keep going," he called out, "We should go all the way up to the 100" Telescope."

"Don't we need tickets?"

"I don't," he said.

Slowing her pace so they were walking side by side, she leaned in, "So, you get free tickets in because you're sort of cool, then?"

"I'm a scientist, we are never 'cool'," he grumbled.

She cracked a smile as the attendant waved them through the entrance and mouthed the word "cool" at him, which made him scowl furiously. Penny enjoyed teasing Sheldon, he teased her, even if he never called it that.

"Montenegro," the tall man nodded.

"Cooper," the attendant replied, who then spotted the attractive blonde by his side and strained over the counter to get a better look. "New girlfriend?" he said.

Sheldon furrowed over. "I don't know why he always said things like that, I only ever come here with Raj." Penny stroked his arm affectionately. The naivety was kind of cute and brought out her protective instincts, she glared at the attendant as they entered.

Inside a massive cylindrical steel warehouse, stood a towering contraption of steel, which looked like an oversize robot arm covered in scaffolding. "Holy crap! That thing is bigger than my apartment," she gasped.

Sheldon led the way to a chair in front of the eye-piece and was about to make an adjustment but after a cursory look he was satisfied with the setting already. "Perfect, it's focused on the Nebula." He rose and held out his palm to gesture for her to sit down.

"Thank you," she said, taking a seat.

"Behold Andromeda," He said, from behind as she took her first look through the telescope where she saw, nestled in a beautifully sharp image of densest blackness speckled with stars, a swirl of yellow around what looked like a big glowing sun.

"It's pretty, what it is?"

"It's the great Andromeda, the closest galaxy to our own."

"No kidding…" she gasped. "I thought Andromeda was the name of one of those shows you like?"

"It is but the name itself originated from Greek myth."

"Oh god nooooo," she groaned, throwing her head back as the memory of one long painful afternoon learning physics came flooding back. "Not ancient Greece again?"

"You remembered?" he said a little impressed.

"How could I _ever_ forget?" she said, "It was a warm summer evening…"

"Well this is Greek mythology."

"Same difference."

He chose to ignore this inaccuracy and began his explanation. "It's named after Andromeda, who was the beautiful daughter of Cassiopeia. She liked to brag about her daughters' beauty but unfortunately this offended Poseidon. So he sent a sea monster to cause the sea to destroy the coast and kingdom…"

"What a asshat," she spat.

This remark made him pause momentarily before he carried on. "…the King consulted an oracle who told him the sea monster would never stop unless Andromeda was sacrificed…"

"No shit?"

"…so she was stripped naked and chained to a rock…"

"Oh right! It's always the pretty one that gets it!" she said angrily. "Its not her fault how other people react to the way she looks." This story struck a real cord with Penny. The perception that others formed over her appearance had been problematic in her own life. Some of her friends had behaved in grasping or judgmental ways but many attempted various forms of manipulation. She learned quickly that she had to be in control and she could actually get further in life if she didn't fight this.

"…being promised in marriage to her uncle…"

"Eww!"

"…she didn't want to marry him but it was her duty…"

Penny pulled back from the viewer and looked down at her left hand. A star of another kind sparkled from her finger. The engagement ring. She was still wearing it, although she wasn't sure why. "What happened to her?" she asked, sadly.

"She was saved, rescued by Perseus."

"Well that's not all bad then," she signed, the irritation draining away. "Except the part where she has to marry her uncle."

"She didn't marry him," he said. "Perseus turned him to stone with the Gorgon head."

"You don't happen to have one of those do you?"

"Not lying around, no."

Penny looked back through the eyepiece as the question formed and although she wasn't looking directly at Sheldon, she was paying a great attention to what he might say. "Why aren't you pleading Leonard's case anymore, like you did the last time?"

"Because you trust me."

It was only little four words but it was all he had to say. She had been waiting for the right moment to quiz him over why they were friends, when everyone else found it so strange but it was no longer necessary to ask. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

"There's really no need. It's regrettable to hurt my friend but you are also my friend and I have deduced that the most likely outcome of a union between the two of you, is that _he_ will hurt _you_."

She sighed. "At first I thought I was crazy reacting the way I did. I'm glad we are friends, Sheldon and I'm glad Andromeda was rescued by what's his name."

"Perseus!" he offered.

Swiveling around in the chair, she peered up at the man in a brand new Superman tee-shirt. All 6 foot 2" of him! Which suddenly felt so imposing, "Was he some kind of superhero?"

"Yes and he had some rather fetching winged sandals, which I could have done with in my youth."

She smiled, as the thought of little Sheldon using winged sandals to fly away from bullies.

"I'm surprised you don't remember the name, I have mentioned him before." A crease formed between her eyebrows as she tried to decipher which errant path his mind had taken now. "Granted you were in a great deal of pain, so I suppose your mental facilities may not have been engaged …

"Huh?"

"The hero always peeks?" he crossed his arms and a raised eyebrow insisted that she must remember this.

Penny's jaw dropped into a gasp. "That was HIM! you… I mean, Perseus."

"Yes. Notably he used the reflection in his shield to peek at the Gorgon Medusa. I simply used the mirror behind you."

Her laughter rang out in the chamber as she considered the absurdity of the situations she had found herself in with Sheldon, over the years. The unlikely hero, that he had been. Peeking at the butt he calls "25% more rounded than average." She patted his arm affectionately, "Sheldon… you are my Perseus," she cackled.

"Oh, I-I don't know..." he stuttered, taking a small step back. "…it could be a consideration once … I suppose… but then again…"

"Oh come on, it fits," she said.

"But he married her."

 _Ah!_


	8. Chapter 8

It was 11.30pm when Sheldon arrived at the front door of 4A, shopping bag over one arm with his forest green pajamas neatly folded inside. He let out a contented sigh as he turned the key to step inside, fully expecting a lovely quiet room to greet him, so was a little jolted by the bright light and three grumpy faces glaring back.

"Where the hell have you been?" Howard barked.

"Oh!" The bag slipped into the crook of his elbow.

"Dude, we've watched them all. The last movie which is ..." Raj started.

"Age of Extinction…" he finished Raj's sentence, as he spotted the credits rolling onscreen.

"And we are NOT starting again. Definitely not," Howard insisted "…and it doesn't matter what you say…"

Sheldon didn't say anything. He was far more perturbed by the fact that he had completely forgotten Transformer night. He, Sheldon Cooper, did not forget movie marathons.

Various reasons for this oversight flashed through his mind and he discounted one after the other.

 _He did not suffer a fall or blow to the head._

 _He did not have a thyroid problem, as this would have shown up in his blood works._

 _He did not take any tranquilizers, blood pressure drugs or any other substances known to cause forgetfulness._

When he had gone through an extensive list only one possibility remained.

 _Distracted by a girl._

He was scrutinizing this disturbing turn of events as Raj and Howard packed up their stuff and was still reeling in confusion when he realized Leonard was standing in front of him and words were coming forth.

"…SO! what happened?" the short man asked.

"I think I will retire for the evening," Sheldon suddenly felt as if wanted to be alone and away from any questions.

"Wait! What did she say?"

"Who?"

"Penny! When you told her I wanted to talk."

That he did remember. "She said "right"."

"Right what?"

"Just RIGHT."

"That's it?"

"Yes, that's all," Sheldon squirmed. "I told her you wanted to talk and she said "Right"."

"You've been gone 12 hours and all you have is RIGHT?" he squealed.

"Well…" he straightened up at this accusal and regained his composure. "Of course we spoke about other things. Now I'm going to bed."

"You didn't ask her anything else about me?"

"You didn't ask me too. You need to be more specific."

"I asked you to plead my case."

"I can't do that Leonard, I did the math. 71%."

"Forget the math!"

"Forget! are you listening to yourself. I never forget…" he trailed off.

At this, Howard piped up. "Yeah well, you FORGOT Transformer night!" he blurted.

Sheldon flushed at this truth. "I'm going to bed. I'll catch up on the movies in my own time. Good night."

He left Leonard standing in the centre of the room, irritated and disappointed. "You guys were right, Sheldon messed up," he said fidgeting with his nails.

Raj shot him a sympathetic glance and Howard shrugged, as they said their, "Good nights."

With the Transformer merchandise all safely stashed away in rucksacks, the pair started down the stairs. Howard gave Raj a little nudge. "That wasn't awkward at all," he whispered.

"What the hell is going on?"

"No idea," he said. "But it looks like Leonard and Penny's aren't getting back together any time soon."

Raj looked back up the stairs, lowered his voice and leant in to say. "You don't think Leonard has anything to worry about do you?"

"How do you mean?"

"With Sheldon and Penny?"

"Nah! Action man has painted on pants." Howard joked, which made Raj let out a rather loud snort as they rounded onto the second floor. He slapped a hand over his mouth, as Howard continued. "The whole thing between those two is weeeird, always has been!"

"Totally!"

"Truth is, I can't think of anyone more qualified to pry off those painted pants, can you?" he grinned cheekily.

"I hear ya," Raj said, as they steeped onto the lobby. "And what was that business with the intimacy test earlier this year?"

"Damn, I KNOW!" Howard exclaimed loudly, finally relieved he could say something as he'd been bottling this one up for months. "She was engaged to Leonard. I really thought I was the only one of us thinking just how messed up that was."

"Dude, we were all thinking it."

Howard stopped at the front door, placed his hand on the frame ready to push the door and gave Raj a pensive look. "I think Leonard might have something to worry about."

"Yeah."

* * *

He lay on his back, the murky grey ceiling just visible above. It had served as an oversized whiteboard on many a sleepless night and again stood awaiting his design. The physicist's brain began to tumble into theory because theory was Sheldon's greatest aptitude. It came to him like a gentle flurry behind the eyes, always present, always ready. When the ever-blinding, noisy, human world faded from view, this was when he sparked.

Only tonight he wasn't calculating compressed atoms in interstellar or point-like particles.

He was thinking about girlfriends.

He missed Amy. He missed their discussions and wondered how long it would be before they could be friends again. The last five years of his life spread across the ceiling in a virtual timeline. He had prepared himself to pair bond with this human and now she was, as all good scientists should, questioning her decision. Initially, he had been stunned that she would do this. He was assuredly the most intellectually stimulating male she'd ever find. Yet Sheldon knew the elements of the natural world contained many possibilities and wondered why he had not given the same meticulous consideration to this which he had everything else in life. She was doing the right thing and so should he.

Sheldon was not at all uncomfortable with changes in scientific process. He enjoyed the twists and turns of discovery but as he had barely concerned himself with human affairs before, becoming a participant was quite a challenge. He began with all the things he knew about the relationship he had experienced. Spanning them across the ceiling in his minds eye, the ups, the downs, the inquiries and the solutions. Yet somehow there was something missing, an elusive concept just out of reach. Now usually Sheldon adores elusive concepts, it's what gets him up in the morning but this was something he could barely dare to admit.

Penny.

 _Why am I even considering this? It's farcical, impossible. We are friends. I will not think about this._

Only this scientist's mind as mobile as it is, never obeys a notion like, "Will not think," and he also knew the concept was not so much impossible, as improbable. At least he thought it was improbable, until this evening.

"You're my Perseus."

A flash of fear and excitement pulsed momentarily in his chest. The words had slipped from her mouth without any notion of their potential meaning. Although Sheldon was never completely sure what notions swirled around in that head of hers. Had it been subliminal? Were all her thoughts subliminal? It wouldn't surprise him.

 _It can't be. She unfathomable._

But as he thought these words, he also knew that unfathomable was to a man like him, also intriguing and that his friendship with Penny needed further scrutiny. Clearing the grey whiteboard above him of its imaginary timeline, he stared at the blankness. It remained untouched for a few moments and then his mind engaged, dissolving the whiteboard and peeling back the ceiling to reveal the night sky. Sheldon had always been aware of the position of stars and was able to list them at any given time of year. Which he did right now, plotting their positions and constellations, as the earth moved about the sun.

Summer 2015. Pasadena CA. He knew what to expect.

Directly above him in the Pasadena night sky at that moment in time was the constellation of Andromeda. He saw her. A luminous, transparent form, floating in the darkness with her stars burning through at each point. She peered at him, blinking occasionally. Chained to the rocks by the sea, as she awaited her fate.

"I don't know what you want from me," he whispered.

"Yes you do." The vision said.


	9. Chapter 9

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Leonard said, with the slight hint of a smile, as he reached into the fridge for more beer.

"I don't see how I should know anything other than what you tell me," Sheldon protested from his spot. The thin mans fingertips set poised over a laptop on his knees. "Your exact words were, "Amy has started dating and you should think very carefully about what that means.""

"And have you?" Raj asked, biting into a dumpling.

"I think very carefully about anything I undertake Raj," he said, nodding towards his laptop.

"But I didn't mean that you should start dating as well," Leonard complained. "What I meant was, you should go over to Amy's place and make up with her."

"Step up more likely," Howard whispered. Sheldon ignored this comment and began tapping on the keys.

"Leonard, as usual, you fail to understand me," he said.

"Really?" Leonard drawled, with a hint of sarcasm.

"Yes really!" he said, flashing his large pupils in the short mans direction. "Neither Amy nor myself, have ever dated anyone else before. From a purely scientific standpoint exploring variables makes logical sense."

"He's got a point," Raj said and then quickly shut his mouth as he saw Leonard's irritation.

"Careful Sheldon, you'd end up like the rest of us mere mortals, with all those variables." Howard gave him a cheeky grin which he ignored.

"I'm keeping my control group small, just the four subjects and then…"

"Hold on, what?"

Leonard ignored Howard's question and continued with his argument, "There's no need for you to do this Sheldon. You and Amy belong together and all she needs is reassurance and…"

"Sex," Raj finished.

"Noooo, not _only_ sex," Leonard winched.

Sheldon pursed his lips a little and then sighed heavily. "I realise, as horrifying as that may be, that compromise is a part of any relationship. After much thought I have decided I may be able to fulfil physical demands on special occasions, perhaps birthdays and the like."

Howard rolled his eyes. "Well good luck finding a girl who would be happy with _that_ arrangement."

But Leonard bounced forward in his seat excitedly, "Are you kidding? Amy would be over the moon. This is great! You guys are going to work things out."

Sheldon stared at his screen but he had stopped typing. "Well, I'm approaching it scientifically."

"How so?"

"I'm collating all my dating experience on to this spreadsheet and creating an algorithm to chose the best match from my current subjects."

"That's got to be a short list," Raj smirked.

"Err, let me see…," Howard said with a wide grin at his friend. "That would be, ONE!"

"That would be four," Sheldon corrected.

Leonard smiled, "You don't have four subjects, I mean, women."

"I do."

Leonard gave him a look of disbelief. "Sheldon listen to me. Amy is the one. She's hung around and put up with you for five long years. Now she's giving you a choice. Start thinking of her, or end up alone. Forget that spreadsheet and your make believe subjects. Delete it!"

"Don't touch those keys," Howard blurted suddenly, "I have to hear this… you said FOUR right?" He gave Sheldon a wide-eyed glare.

"Yes."

Leonard mouth curled as he expressed his annoyance, a tightening creeping into the back of his neck.

"I have Amy of course, as a control," he said. They all nodded. "Five years is fairly significant and must have some positives for it to have survived so long regardless of this lastest hitch."

"The old being-dumped-hitch, I know it well," Raj said.

"Shhh…" Howard hushed impatiently. "...and?"

"Mrs. Gunderson on the third floor."

Raj choked and a little noodle flew back on his plate.

"Mrs. Gunderson?" Leonard rolled his eyes. "Sheldon!"

"Yes, just this week she arranged with me to take her rubbish down twice a week."

He pressed his lips together tightly to prevent smiling. "That's not a date, Sheldon."

"It's not?"

"Sorry no, taking rubbish out does not constitute a date… per se."

"Well that's a shame," he said, "Examining the spreadsheet. She was doing rather well."

The guys chuckled a little and Leonard's shoulders relaxed, he was beginning to enjoy this, "So that's Amy and Mrs Gunderson so far. And the other two?" he asked.

"Jenny Sanderson."

"The grad student?" Howard said, visibly impressed.

"Yes and in the spirit of compromising…" he glared at Leonard. "…I'm giving up my Friday pizza night to go to her apartment for dinner."

"Okay that _is_ a date," Howard said.

"You stud!" said Raj.

Sheldon groaned a little in disapproval. "Ughhh, Jenny is bottom on the list though. I'm not familiar with her and it would take several years to accommodate her into my life…"

Leonard shook his head at this. "We already know the outcome of this experiment. Do yourself a favor and call Amy."

"Leonard's right," Raj said. "It looks like it's decided…"

"But there's a fourth?" Howard prompted.

"Oh yes, it's urm..." he checked his screen intently. "Oh yes, it's Penny."

The silence in the room was almost deafening. If silence can be deafening, that is. Raj and Howard shuffled and looked at one another and Leonard was completely frozen from head to toe. It was Howard who spoke first. "You can't date _Penny_ ," he spat, in hushed tones.

"Why not?"

"Because she was engaged to Leonard last month!"

"Oh, but Leonard is done with her." He said, in a matter of fact way, "I distinctly remember him saying at 7.07am this Tuesday evening, "I'm done with Penny and I'm not chasing her anymore". So therefore she's free and the fourth subject."

Howard and Raj waited but nothing happened at first. Sheldon, blissfully unaware of the atmosphere in the room, continued his explanation. "There was our date at the conservatory, I have the data imputed…"

"That's wasn't a date, either," Howard said, rather quickly.

"It wasn't?"

"Trust me it's _not_."

"Are you sure? It seemed like a date. It fits the definition of a date. I checked."

Raj was sinking into the sofa, hoping it would engulf him as Leonard's silence hung over them like an ever darkening cloud. "It was blood tests, it wasn't a date,' he wheezed, his throat dry as a bone.

"No silly, I meant after the clinic, when we went to the mall, had ice cream, stopped by the comic book store, and then on to Mt. Wilson's observatory."

"Nope." Howard said, stiffly. "No date."

"But it falls under the definition of a date." he said, tapping into his laptop and reading from the screen. "Date. A social or romantic appointment or engagement."

Then it came! The loudest whiniest bellow of a reply, rang out, "I AM _NOT_ DONE WITH HER?"

Sheldon sat stunned for a moment or two, "But you said…"

"It was just a figure of speech, Sheldon. I was angry!"

"But what if she's done with _you_?"

"Sheldon!" Raj squealed.

Leonard was on his feet, looming over his roommate. "Penny and I will get back together. Your trip to the conservatory IS not a date, WAS not a date and I'm damn sure Penny didn't THINK it was a date either." And with that, he stormed out of the room.

"Well…" Sheldon said, a little taken back, "interesting response."

"You'd better delete Penny from that spreadsheet," Howard said as he got up to leave.

Sheldon didn't reply he simply looked at the entries in front of him. Penny wasn't doing particularly well. She had no PhD, little interest in academia; she was messy, frivolous, over-sexed and lacked discipline. But he wasn't deleting her. The fact that she still made the list at all gave him a sense of hope which he couldn't explain to anyone. Not yet.

"Is Andromeda still in the sky?" he asked.

"You know she is," Raj replied.

Then she stays.

He would complete the spreadsheet and with science on his side he would know he had chosen correctly. This is what he told himself but he already knew that his decision to keep her on the list was illogical.


	10. Chapter 10

_I wonder if he knows it was date?_

Penny had been pondering this all morning, as she got ready for work. Was he aware that the time they'd spent together as newly single friends had sparked something? Probably not, it would require a megaphone and a tee-shirt with the words, "Sheldon I want to go on another date with you," printed in huge letters, before he'd know where she was coming from. It was worth considering.

She had returned Leonard's ring. They ran into each other in the foyer that Friday, when she got home. He was just leaving his apartment to go downstairs to pay the pizza man.

 _Awkward._

"I won't give up," he had told her, and she feared that this was true.

"I hope we can be friends, Leonard. You still mean a lot to me. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

She waved him off as he went for the stairs but as she turned towards 4A, she saw his pleading eyes. The eyes which had swayed her to pity in the past and she wanted to run. There was nothing more for either of them in rekindling this relationship. She knew deep down that it was as toxic for him, as it was to her.

"I am sorry," she said stepping towards the door of 4A and raising her hand to knock. Leonard's expression changed suddenly, "Sheldon's not in," he snapped. "He's on a _date_!"

If he was looking for a reaction, to see if Penny would care, she didn't offer him one. She was very good at hiding her feelings when necessary. After many years in the dating game she had developed some fairly decent survival skills. So, as they parted she returned to her apartment, opened the door and pushed it gently closed with one hand before her legs went out from under her. Floundering towards the couch she collapsed, her eyes filling up before she realised what was happening.

 _No…_

One hot tear rolled down her cheek. Quickly wiping it away with the back of her hand, another came and another down the other cheek. They wouldn't stop.

 _Not Sheldon, I need him._

This was the last thing she'd expected to happen. Her lanky neighbor was single, just like her and she never dreamed that he would start looking. They were dreamers, together, both in the same boat. There was no one else. A dark cloud descended on Penny that evening and she pictured a new uber-nerd, science brain sweeping him away from her. Because she knew that she could never compete with that. She would be forgotten. Retrieving a box of tissues and the comforter from her bedroom, she wrapped it tightly around and settled down on the couch to have a good cry. And cry she did, long buried emotions resurfacing with every tear.

If the truth was finally going to come out, at least in the privacy of her own head, then Penny had to admit that it had always been Sheldon. From the first moment they met but she'd decided very early on that trying to establish anything with someone like him would be too challenging and after that terrible breakup with Kurt, challenging was out of the question. Sheldon was handsome but complicated, he seemed to push away and pull her back in at the same time, almost subconsciously. She was tantalized by this, in a way that was so unfamiliar to her but the more she got to know him, the more work she knew it would be. He was too disconnected, too distant and she pushed her feelings into the deepest recesses of her mind and forgot they were even there.

Until now…

Penny welcomed those thoughts back in, remembering them for the first time in years and knowing with a feeling of cowardly shame that Leonard had always ever been the lesser version. She'd settled for him because he made it so easy but it wasn't him who she really wanted. Lying to herself and everyone else because no would ever suspect the truth and she would never admit it. She could barely it admit now, this wicked secret. All these years they dismissed each other and she could never tell anyone any different. Ever!

"It really doesn't matter," Penny said, dabbing her eyes. Nothing had changed. Sheldon was still too far away, too clever and too difficult for her. The most they could have with him was a friendship and that was going to have to be enough.

Early the next morning she went for a run, needing to blow out the cobwebs and to switch off her brain, which relentlessly kept returning to the news Leonard had delivered about Sheldon's "date". After 45 minutes she felt a lot better and was making her way up the stairs, when she came across Mrs Gunderson outside her front door with several garbage bags.

"Hi, Mrs Gunderson," she said, removing her earphones.

"Hello Pammie."

"Penny," she corrected.

"Oh yes," she muttered, peering inside one bag, frowning and then opening the top of the next. She was wearing rubber gloves a nightgown and slippers and looked very intent on what she was doing, so Penny passed on by but Mrs Gunderson then spoke.

"Tell Sheldon I'd like him to take my rubbish down early this week. I've sorted it all out as he instructed and I have his special gloves," she said, waving a pair of white disposables in Penny's direction.

"Sure, so he's taking down your trash?" she replied, stopping to take a better look at what she was up to. The older woman nodded. It had been over a week since Penny had seen Sheldon and welcomed an excuse to visit. "He's got you sorting things, I see," she said with a knowing smile.

"Yes, recyclables, kitchen waste and general. I never bothered with any of this nonsense but you know how Sheldon insists."

Penny nodded back.

"The only thing I'm not too clear on is why this questionnaire is so long." She disappeared into her apartment briefly and remerged with a stack of paper, which looked very similar to the Friendship Questionnaire, Sheldon had issued Penny some years back.

"Wow, that's a lot of pages for garbage collection," but the old lady was back digging around inside another bag and didn't seem to hear so Penny went on her way, wondering what Sheldon was up to this time. Deciding to strike while the iron was hot and pass on the message immediately she approached the door of 4A, with a tiny flutter in her belly. It was unlocked.

Sheldon was there, dressed in an orange tee of some description, on the couch with his laptop.

"Hey."

"Ah, hello Penny," he exclaimed. "I was just coming to see you," he said placing the laptop on the cushion next to him and rising out of his seat.

"You were?"

"Yes, to give you this," he picked up an identical stack of papers and handed them across to her.

"Oh, I get one _too?_ " she said, feeling pleased. "I've just seen Mrs Gunderson. She asked me to tell you that she needs her garbage taking down early this week."

"Oh, thank you. I will follow that up." He picked up his laptop once more and a light tapping sound began.

"Would you like some tea?" she asked.

Sheldon tilted his head and looked at her with a curious expression and replied. "Yes, thank you Penny." And then tapped something into his laptop. He was acting weird. She placed the questionnaire on the countertop and filled the kettle.

"What ya doing?"

"Readjusting my dating spreadsheet after last nights disaster."

Penny wasn't sure she had heard this correctly and stuttered out an reply. "S-sorry what?!"

He glanced over, eyebrows raised. "An Xcel document collecting the information from my social engagements with women."

Penny really didn't need an explanation of what a spreadsheet was and after a few seconds, she realised she didn't need to know why he was making one either. This was Sheldon. He enjoyed that sort of thing so she just replied. "Right, best to keep notes."

"Ohhhh, this is more than notes Penny."

 _Of course._

"This is a detailed algorithm whereby I can assess possible matches in the most efficient way."

"Don't you just want to see how things go?" and she knew as soon as she said it, that he would protest. Penny wanted him to protest, to feel that old banter between them once more, to be back in her friends' life again.

"Unlike some I would like to eliminate the messy affairs that other people get themselves into." She pursed her lips at him and he gave her a pointed look, as she set the cups down on the counter.

Penny was dying to know what he was typing as she poured the tea. "So… has Leonard seen this spreadsheet?" she asked.

"No, it's private," he said.

"Oh sorry, it's none of my business…" she flushed.

"No, _you're_ permitted to intrude."

She broke into the widest smile ever. They were still friends and he still treated her the same way. "Oh sweetie that's so kind," she placed her hand on her heart, "You're letting me see the spreadsheet because _I'm your friend!_ " she gushed.

"No."

"Ugh!" Penny curled her lip in disappointment and plonked the mugs down on the table with a clunk.

"Not because we are friends…" he said, eyeing his mug with a frown in case there had been any spillage. "…because you're on it."

Penny instantly sat down on the couch in shock. "I'm on it?"

"Of course, we went to the conservatory so…"

"You thought that was a _date?_ " she said rather loudly. Sheldon stopped and being unsure how to read her expression replied very carefully. "I'm not sure," he said, "I've had several conversations about the definition. They wanted me to delete you but then they also wanted me to delete Mrs Gunderson. Even though they must know I need a test group of at least four…"

Penny grinned. "Lemme see..." she leaned over his shoulder and read the names. Amy was top of the list and seemed to have a clear lead, then came Mrs Gunderson, then her own name and at the bottom of the list was Jenny Sanderson.

"Jenny Sanderson," she said, amazed that someone was beneath her. "Why so low?"

"That one took a disturbing turn."

"How come?"

"Well, I went on my scheduled date last night, arriving at her apartment at 7pm as arranged. She ordered the requested pizza and we sat down to watch the Sci-fi channel and half way though 'Marvels Agents of Shield,' she…" he paused, closed in eyes in anger and then regarded his composure to carry on. "…she put her tongue in my mouth. Right in! Can you believe it? Amy never did such a thing."

Penny couldn't contain her giggle. "That's how some people kiss," she said.

"Not you, surely?"

"Sometimes, yes."

Sheldon's eyes flicked back to the laptop and his shoulder made a slight movement. "Did you just mark me down?" she teased, laughing inwardly. He gave her a sheepish glance and Penny checked the screen again.

"Oh, I'm still above Jenny Sanderson, why's that?"

"I've known you nine years, which does give you the advantage."

"Wait a minute, how can Mrs Gunderson have more points than me?" she sulked.

"She scores very highly due to her post-menopausal state. Although not being able to provide a progeny is a negative, I reason a woman of her advanced years will not require coitus."

"I wouldn't count on it," Penny said, "I've seen the way she looks at your backside. She's probably got you taking the garbage down, so she can watch you wiggle down the stairs."

Sheldon paused to consider the new information and tapped in the data accordingly. "Oh look," Penny squealed with delight, as her name moved up the spreadsheet. "I'm going to sweep this. What do I get if I win?" The statement sprung out without due consideration and she certainly never meant it to sound so loaded. So when blue eyes, which have no right to be quite that blue turned on her, she felt a flush of attraction.

"Me, of course."


	11. Chapter 11

"Oh well…I-I…" the blonde gulped nervously. "It's just kidding around, right?"

"Kidding around?"

"A fun test…" she stuttered, one hand flicking towards the laptop unsure why she was so unnerved by what had just happened. "It's like that intimacy experiment… just a bit of fun...you know..."

Sheldon looked first at his screen and then towards the jittery frame standing alongside him, "I do believe you're being non-committal with me?" he frowned. "Just like you were with Leonard."

"Noooooo," she said, rather unconvincingly but the earnest glare staring back caused a lump in her throat and she sat back down hastily, "I'm sorry," she said, "Its just…"

He waited.

"Oh god, I'm usually so good at this," she breathed, as the words didn't come.

"Good at what?"

"Good at _men_!"

"Well, perhaps men plural and man singular are different."

She managed a tight smile. "You are very different, Sheldon," she sighed, "And I just don't know what to do with you."

"Well, what do you usually do?"

She considering this for a moment and then answered. "Well… I usually wear something low cut… smile a lot, make plenty of eye contact, touch his arm or leg, if I can make it look natural and just when he thinks he's calling the shots, I jump on top of the guy, go in for the kill and try to get my hands under his clothes."

"Well!" Sheldon spat.

"Obviously…. I not going do that with _y-you_ ," she stuttered, as she realised who she was talking too.

"I should think not!"

Penny glanced about the room for a few awkward seconds after her admission. The fact he had put her on that list had both thrilled and freaked her out and for the first time in her life, she was unsure how to proceed. "Do you really think it could work between us?" she asked finally.

"Well…" he mused, his brow furrowed in thought. "You'll need to make some changes."

"Me? What about _you_?"

"Why does everything think _I_ should be the one to change?" he said, eyes flashing at her in challenge, "Leonard, Howard, Amy and now you. It would do you good to tame those rampant urges of yours. Look at the trouble they cause you."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Why are we even talking about this?" she groaned.

"Because it needs talking about and we talk about everything."

"We do don't we? We never shy away from the truth."

"No matter how distasteful."

"Distasteful huh?" she huffed, "So why am I on your spreadsheet then?"

The question hung in the air for a second. "I'm still trying to work that out." He shifted in his seat, eyes down.

Penny turned towards her handsome friend and took his closest hand in hers. "Maybe you can't work something like this out on paper, or with pixels. Maybe you need to…"

"To what?"

Now that was her cue. Under ordinary circumstances she would have taken this as the moment to launch herself right in.

 _Bounce damn it! Kiss the guys, just damn well do it!_

She hesitated.

 _What if he hates it? What if he pushed me away? Darn, this is hard._

"You think of something then!" she snapped, frustrated by her impotence.

"Very well," he said quite calmly, "I suggest we being the kissing."

He was nothing if blunt. "T-t-the what?"

"I was initially quite reluctant to kiss but I'm quite comfortable now and as this is the ninth year of our acquaintance we are a little behind schedule."

His face and lips taunted her, she could just bend forward and try but instead…

"No."

"No? Well that's disappointing," he replied, with a slight sulk. "I need the kissing as part of my research. Although I have marked Mrs Gunderson as exempt."

"Well, you'll have to mark me exempt as well because kissing leads to other things with me Sheldon. I'm not the type to make compromises like Amy did."

He gave her a blank look. She was going to have to spell it out. "I want sex!"

"What now?!"

"Huh? No not… _now_!" She flushed.

"You really shouldn't say things you don't mean. It's very confusing."

Penny felt herself rile up and lurched forward a little, lowering her tone, "What if I stuck my tongue right in your mouth now, would you take me off you list?" she threatened, her sharp green eyes fixed on his, leaning closer.

Sheldon pulled his free hand up in a protective gesture. "Um? I absolutely insist that there be no tongues. You will just have to constrain yourself."

"Sweetie, I don't do tests, I don't have schedules. I give everything. I thought this was just a friendship but it's not. I thought we were just friends. Like brother and sister even but the potential has always been there, the potential for _a lot more_. So that's the truth. Take it or leave it. You'll have to realise one thing about me, I _never_ constrain myself," she hushed in her most seductive tone.

The full extent of what he was taking on suddenly became very real to Sheldon. Those darkening pupils were so close, a light breath on his skin and a soft hand upon his. He knew that she would be silk under his fingertips, that her hair would be cool and light as a feather on his neck. He knew all this because he'd felt it before and had those blonde locks gently graze his neck when they'd embraced in the past. He remembered everything so vividly. Her skin was so soft, almost unbearably soft. Sheldon's mind began to tick over looking for a solution to tame that wild thing before him. "I could train her." A dozen techniques flashed in his mind. "I could make her less chaotic… I could!" and then, "Do I want too?" There was only one thing left to think, "Lean closer." He wanted her to close the gap, to push him a little more but not quite yet. Swallowing hard, he turned away and nodded towards the kitchen where the abandoned questionnaire still sat. Her head followed his gaze and when she pulled away he was both retrieved and slightly regretful.

The blonde snatches up the pages and then spoke. "It's okay if we just stay friends, Sheldon. I don't want to lose you."

"Okay."

 _That's it? He's not going to argue? Her heart sunk a little._

"We can be friends… friends with _kissing_ ," he said.

"Sheldon, you can't be friends with kissing," she said gently, smiling at how cute he was.

"Oh course you can. I will teach you and it will make you a real contender, Penny."

Penny wanted to be a "real contender" even though she suspected the questionnaire would change all that. "Sure," she replied, happy to see the unmistakable excitement spread across his face.

"Well, I must say this is all going wonderfully. Good night Penny."

As the door closed behind her, she stopped briefly in the hall to take in what she had just agreed too. Friends with kissing? _What the hell?_ That was pretty much his relationship with Amy. She'd given Sheldon exactly want he wanted and she'd always thought that Amy was such a pushover accepting those terms.

"Damn, how does he do that?" she miffed, as she crossed the hall.


	12. Chapter 12

"Bernadette is driving me insane," Amy sighed. "Can't I just tell her that I'm not on a date?" she said, frowning at her phone as yet another text message of support 'pinged' its arrival from her overly-enthusiastic friend.

"Not just yet," Leonard said, "She'll tell Howard… and Howard will tell Raj and Raj will tell Stuart... and the pizza delivery guy …and the lunch lady in the cafeteria… and the guy who fixes the photocopier…"

Amy nodded. "That does seem to be the case with Raj, you can't tell him anything. Sheldon and I once did a social meme and although no one could keep a secret for long in this group, the fastest spreading piece of gossip always had Raj as its key player."

"Exactly! So no telling any of them because it would get back to Sheldon that I asked you here."

"And to Penny," she added.

Leonard squirmed at the mention of his ex's name, "Yes." he said, busying himself with the coffee.

"So why did you ask me here?" Amy asked.

He handed her a mug and gestured for them to sit, making his way to the armchair, which he favors. Amy paused for an instance and a tiny wicked smirk curled on her lips, as she lowered herself onto Sheldon's spot, smoothing down her denim skirt and letting out a schoolgirl giggle at her naughtiness. Leonard grinned at this rebellious act, placed his own mug down and said, "I asked you here because I want to help you get Sheldon back."

The brunette didn't reply at first, eying Leonard suspiciously. "What makes you think that I want to get Sheldon back?"

"Of course you do, you love him."

"I may love him but he's so inconsiderate and I'm tired of it."

"Yes I know Sheldon is difficult but you're good together."

"Do you really expect me to just try to get back together with Sheldon without resolving anything?"

"Well _yes_ …"

Leonard's response hung uncomfortably in the air. He knew that if Penny came to him that night, all it would take is a few sweet words from her and all would be forgiven. He'd resume their relationship, with all the same issues and problems intact, no questions asked. Amy may talk big but Leonard knew deep down that she was as swayed by Sheldon's unconventional good looks, as he was by Penny's conventional ones. There was no other reason for her to tolerate what she had all these years. Unfortunately for Leonard, Amy was not willing to admit this yet and he found himself faced with two little stormy eyes fixed hard on his.

He was going to have to try something else, something a little less honest.

"…because you're perfect for each other," he bleated.

She continued to scowl in that way which made him shrivel a little but he persevered. "Amy, you make him a better man, everyone knows that," he gushed, hoping that flattery would have the desired effect.

"I suppose that's true," she said, softening slightly. "I am the best girlfriend he'll ever get."

"And I can help him come to that realization more quickly."

"How?"

"Well, I told Sheldon that you were dating because I hoped this would spur him into action again. Like it had before," he gave Amy a pleading look that made the hair stand up on the back of her neck, as he continued, "…but instead of doing what I expected, he decided to try dating himself and now he's started this ridiculous spreadsheet…"

"Yes, I know."

Leonard's tone deflated. "You know?"

"The pizza delivery guy told me."

"Oh noooooo, Raj?"

She nodded. "Yes, he guy told me that the crazy one had a dating spreadsheet that would solve all their women problems. All he had to do was wait for him to complete the formula. The pizza guy wanted to know if it was available yet."

"So how do you feel about that?"

Amy just shrugged a shoulder. "If he wants to explore variables, I can hardly stop him. It is logical."

The short man's brow furrowed over, this wasn't going quite as he hoped. "But don't you worry about him dating other girls?"

"Not really, I'm the best girlfriend he'll ever get," she repeated with a little more emphasis.

" _Sure_ …" he said abruptly which made Amy jolt. "…but don't you want to tip the scales in your favor?"

"What are you suggesting?"

"Well," he lowered his voice and leaned forward. "What if I told you that I could get access to that spreadsheet."

"I'm listening."

"It would give you a distinct advantage, if you knew in advance how he was scoring the contestants."

"Leonard, I've told you already, I don't need an advantage," she paused, and then with a grin she added, "Raj told the pizza guy that I was firmly in the lead."

"Yes… but…" he stuttered, his frustration growing as he really needed to get Amy onboard with his scheme.

"No buts, Leonard. I don't need an unfair advantage and let's be honest here, it would be cheating and that would be unethical…"

Leonard had to bring out the big guns. "He's dating Penny!"

"I'm in."

* * *

Several hours later, three nerds were standing deep in concentration, as they flicked through a selection of new arrivals at the Comic Book Store.

"Got it!" Sheldon said.

"Got it." Howard returned.

"Where's Leonard? He never misses new Comic Book day?" quizzed Raj.

Sheldon's gaze remained fixed on the covers as his nibble fingers tapped through the pile. "He had an appointment."

"Hmm, what sort of appointment?"

Sheldon looked up momentarily from his task. "He never even gave me a chance to ask but I assume by the hasty retreat that it was a digestive disorder of some kind. He just said that one of you would be happy to drive me home and left."

Howard and Raj exchanged looks and Howard quickly barked. "I'm out. I have to meet Bernadette at a store to browse nursery fodder."

"Fine it's settled, you can drive me Raj," Sheldon directed towards his sweater-vested companion.

Raj's shoulders slumped a little. "Sure," he groaned.

"In actual fact, Leonard's absence is rather fortuitous."

"What do you mean?" Howard said.

"It gives me a chance to talk to both of you."

"Talk?"

"Yes talk, man to man…" he nodded towards Raj. "…and man."

"You want to talk to _us?_ " Raj asked, with confusion.

Sheldon wasn't sure why everything he'd said was being repeated back and decided this was one of those rhetorical questions he didn't understand and simply replied. "Yes."

"Okay. What about?" The engineer replied with trepidation.

"My dating experiment."

Raj broke into a grin. "Have you come up with a workable formula? You know I have two lovely ladies and I can't for the life of me decide which is the one."

Howard sighed. "Oh, not _this_ again."

"What? I can't talk about my good fortune?"

"Nope!" Howard snapped. Raj fell into a sulk.

"Well gentlemen," Sheldon said, "I've hit a slight snag collecting my data yesterday."

"Snag? What kind of snag?"

"Penny wouldn't kiss me."

There was a choke and Raj began to cough and thump his chest with his fist. Sheldon waited for a response but when neither replied he continued with another question. "Why do you think that is?"

"I don't _know_!" Howard spat nervously. "Maybe she doesn't think of you… in that way."

"I'm fairly sure she does because she wants sex but then she said..."

"Wait! She what?"

"We can't hear this..." Raj said, covering his hands over his ears and beginning to hum.

"I understand that there's a social etiquette in these situations. Please explain."

"The Bro Code, Sheldon! The BRO CODE." Raj yelled, dropping his hands.

"Which states?" he prompted.

"That you can't date Penny! That we can't talk to you about kissing Penny or anything else with her," Howard said.

"Hmmm…" Sheldon considered, "Where can I get a copy of this Bro Code, so I can look over the rules for myself?"

"You can't. It's not a printed publication."

"Well that's not very helpful."

Howard sighed at Sheldon's blank expression. "Let me explain."

"Please do."

"Leonard dated Penny first, which means he's called dibs on her. We are his friends and therefore prohibited in discussing someone else dating her. Penny is off limits for us and she should be for you are well."

Sheldon frowned, it seemed to him that this Bro Code was rife with inconsistencies. He had witnessed Leonard breaking said Code on multiple occasions and Raj had also stepped outside these guidelines as they had just been explained to him. He decided he'd needed more information from another source. "Understood." he said, turning on his heels and making his way to the cashier.

"Evening Sheldon, how can I help you?"

"Hello Stuart, what can you tell me about the Bro Code?"


	13. Chapter 13

"Come on in and make yourself at home."

The tall man stepped through the threshold at Stuart's gracious invitation but then stood two feet inside the door, unsure how to proceed. "Where?" he said. There were two couches in the medium-sized apartment, both of which could have served as a place for one to sit but they were overflowing with comics and graphic novels. The rest of the room was ablaze with coloured costumes of latex and fake fur and stacks of packaged memorabilia on every other surface.

"Ah sorry," the Comic Store owner scuttled past Sheldon, nervously gathering up armfuls of comics and then relocating the piles into a precariously overloaded tower next to a wooden table coffee in the centre of the room. "My new apartment is acting as a store room for overstocks… _temporarily_ ," he explained.

Sheldon paused to consider the limited options and perched himself into the space on a dark green couch, which Stuart had cleared and was relieved that it was, although not pristine, reasonably comfortable. He made a mental note that few options made for a less stressful experience.

"You're my first visitor," Stuart chirped, "Howard and Bernadette say they'll come by but they never call so..."

"Well, if I get bored I can always flick through… the Watcher man series," Sheldon said, examining the pile to his right.

"Beer?"

"No thank you."

Stuart opened the fridge and pulled out a bevarage. He dug around a little and there was a 'fizz' as the bottle uncapped. "So, let me get this straight, you're dating now?"

"That is correct."

"And one of these girls is Penny?"

"Yes."

"Wow, that is awkward."

"So I understand."

Stuart seated himself in a space opposite, shaking his head. "You guys have been visiting my store since day one," he mused contentedly, "Way back when all I had to offer was an old collection of mostly Justice League of America comics, a few boardgames and a couple of Wookie suits."

"I still have one of those suits."

Stuart chuckled at the memory. "So what is it you wanted to know Sheldon?"

"A need a full and concise definition of the Bro Code, or at least some indication of how it applies in this situation."

Stuart let out a long sigh; he didn't like delivering bad news. "Well, I'll keep things as simple as I can. You can't date Penny."

"Yes we've been through that! Yet the facts just don't tally. Wolowitz was dating Dr Stephanie when Leonard decided he would date her instead. He broke the Code…"

"Huh-uh."

"…then he dated Priya when Raj specifically stated that she was off limits to all of us. Leonard broke the Code again."

"Yip."

"…and they were both angry at him but their anger altered nothing. Leonard continued both relationships until their natural demise."

Stuart stared at Sheldon unblinking as he delivered his answer. "The Code doesn't apply to him," he whispered.

"Wait! Does it apply to Raj?" Sheldon snipped, he was even more confused now. "Koothrappali clearly broke the Code with his dalliance with Penny."

"Yes but Leonard was happily dating Priya, so he didn't seem to mind."

"So you're saying I have to wait until Leonard finds a new girlfriend? That the Bro Code is Leonard-centric? That Howard and Raj follow the Code obediently and without question? Are they brain washed? Does Leonard have something on them?" He asked, becoming increasingly agitated.

"It's worse than that," Stuart said, leaning forward and lowering his tone. "It's a pecking order."

" _OH!_ "

Sheldon knew what this meant and the pieces clicked nicely into place, "The Bro Code is a pecking order by status?"

"You got it!"

"That makes sense now," he nodded happily to finally have a workable answer. "So Howard and Raj are lower status males and therefore the Bro Code has limited effect protecting their interests. Leonard has a higher status within the group and therefore the Code only applies to protect him when he requires it."

"Yup!" Stuart took a big swig of his beer and plonked it straight down on a Stargate box-set. "And guys like us… we're right at the bottom."

The physicist stiffened in his seat, his eyes flashing in challenge. "What to you mean _guys like US!_ " he said, angrily. "I have a Masters and two PhDs…"

Stuart raised his hand to clam his agitated guest. "Let me tell you a story, Sheldon," he said, softly. "I also went on a date with Penny."

"Yes I remember." Sheldon said, "Did the Bro Code not apply to you?"

"No it didn't, because I wasn't part of the group, the tribe, the pack." Sheldon nodded at this. "Since becoming part of the group I've been relegated directly to the bottom. I'm not regarded as _good enough_ to be chosen by anyone these days. Not even Amy anymore, whom I also dated, as you know. The others look at me as though I'm some kind of creep and then my nerves go and I start to say stupid things and it just gets worse and worse."

Sheldon observed the pallid character in front of him. "Well… I was threatened when you dated Amy."

It had been a long time since anyone had shown Stuart any respect and this came from a very unexpected source. "Thank you, I really appreciate that." He said earnestly.

"You're welcome."

"You'd better watch out though, because pretty soon no one will think you are _good enough_ for Amy either. Just like me."

"Oh I can't see how that could ever happen." Sheldon miffed.

" _Really?_ " the grey face leaned forward, big eyes widening, "Answer me this then. Whose side where all your friends on when _she broke up with you_?"

He didn't respond immediately, as Stuart's words sunk in and he then said. "You know I think I'll take that beer."

"Good for you."

* * *

"Are you sure that's the right password?"

A frustrated Leonard had been prodding at Sheldon's laptop for a good ten minutes, his brow crinkled over. After agreeing to a course of action, they had retrieved his roommates' brand new Alienware 17 from his room and were attempting to gain access before he got back from work.

"Yes, he told me his password would be the equation for Relativity," Amy said nervously. "The one that started it all, as he put it."

 _Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

"Do you _know_ the equation?!" she snarled.

"Of course I know it," he replied. "I just can't remember the Greek alphabet shortcuts."

"I can't help you there."

 _Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

"Got it," he beamed, "he used a forward slash for the divider."

"Sure, whatever, send it!"

"Okay, okay… I'm searching for the file." Amy's pressure wasn't helping Leonard's find what they were looking for any faster. In fact, it was making him rather jumpy. Time was ticking on and he imagined Sheldon coming through the door at any moment. They had a short window to get the files sent, return the laptop and get Amy out of the building before someone pulled up outside with Sheldon riding shotgun.

"I hope he hasn't put a password on the folder." She sighed.

"Nope. Found it," he gasped in relief.

"Great! Mail me that baby _NOW!_ " Amy blurted, breaking into an excited grin.

"Wait, look. There's a whole load of notes with it. I'll send you the entire folder."

She watched as the email left the mailbox and Leonard deleted it from the sent folder and she then raised her hand triumphantly. "High five."

Leonard didn't move to return the gesture, instead he sat scowling heavily at the screen.

"What is it?"

"Mock Date Night (subject Penny, pending)," he read.

Amy leaned forward. "He's got it down for this Thursday," she said. "But look! It says that Penny must return her questionnaire by the deadline to qualify for that slot."

"When's the deadline?"

"Today."

* * *

"Ugh!" Penny grunted, chewing hard on the pen between her teeth, as she stared down at the next question.

"82. In the event of a fire in the laundry room, rendering the stairs a death trap, how would you suggest we escape the building?"

"Gahhh…"

She stared into space wondered what Sheldon would expect her to write. Something involving Godzilla or Spiderman she imagined. How was she supposed to answer these questions? A normal person would just call the emergency services but that would probably be wrong to him. She could see it now, he would mock her and tell her how they had all just died of smoke inhalation before help arrived. She had considered that they could climb out the window and abseil down using her bed sheets but she'd have Sheldon with her and he'd be a screaming mess. "Fire blocking the stairs…" she muttered, deep in thought. "…blocking the stairs… the stairs are blocked…"

Then it came to her.

Penny recalled that stressful morning when she was on her way to another tedious shift at the Cheesecake Factory, running late as usual, when she came across the guys with a huge monstrosity which they called a 'time machine' blocking the stairs. She now knew what her answer had to be.

"Go up to the roof!" she wrote. "And jump across to the building next door to excape." With renewed confidence she went on to the next question.

"83. If Sheldon Cooper asked you to purchase a sauce with a isothiocyanate compound, what would you do?"

"Ugh!" Okay this was a stumper for her. She took her pen and answered in the only way she knew how.

"I'd google it."

Next!

"84. Sheldon learns of a last minute special event when he promised to go shopping with you. How would you react?"

"Let him go! I don't want him shopping with me cramping my style. No way!"

Final question.

"85. What three attributes do you bring to a relationship?"

Penny smiled as she considered putting "Cute butt" as one but after a little thought she wrote.

"Support. Love. Independence."

It had taken her all week to complete the task and the deadline was upon her, so with a feeling of achievement, the blonde tip-toed downstairs to the mailboxes, with the questionnaire safely tucked inside its reply envelope. With a sigh she carefully slipped it into the post box of 4A. This was the correct way to post an official document to Sheldon. With a satified smile she turned away. "What will be, will be," she said.

As soon as the blonde was out of sight, a figure appeared from the direction of the laundry room. Leonard had been waiting. He opened the box as silently as he could and removed the large brown envelope. Standing there in front of the mailboxes for a few moments, he wondering what he should do. He could just put it in the trash right then and Penny would miss the deadline and all this silliness would be over. Or, he could take a look inside and see what she wrote.

The envelope read:

 _Sheldon Cooper: Questionnaire Subject 2._

It was typed and taunted Leonard with its simplistic description. So he stood there undecided about his next move in this game. Finally he made a decision, he would take to peek inside before destroying it by burning it out the back of the building. This would satisfy his curiously and then solve his problem. Sheldon would be sad for a few days that Penny didn't reply but he'd soon move on, he told himself. And Penny would just assume that she had been out-scored by the other girls Sheldon had on his list. It was simple, but effective. So with trembling hands, he turned the envelope over, when it inexplicably vanished from his grasp. Nibble figures had darted over the short mans' shoulder and removed the envelope so quickly he didn't have a moment to react.

"Thank you Leonard, I've been waiting for that," Sheldon said and the retriever of the parcel strolled away up the staircase, with his prize.

" _Damn it!_ " Leonard spat.


	14. Chapter 14

_"Mock Date Night is go."_

Amy read the text message from Leonard with much irritation. She had rushed home as fast as she could, after he emailed the files from Sheldon's computer and left her accomplice with the one assignment. Get that envelope at any cost! Squinting at her phone and puffing loudly, she tapped out her reply. "How could you mess this up?"

 _Buzz!_ his reply came.

 _"It's not my fault :( Sheldon came home and took the envelope off me."_

The brunette sighed and dropped the phone down on the table. There would be no more interruptions as she had much to do. With a flutter of excitement, she opened the email and downloaded the contents. It seemed to take forever but when she finally clicked open the folder, it scrolled down to reveal many carefully names files. It was better than she hoped. Not only did Sheldon's secret folder have the famous spreadsheet detailing the progress he was making with his 'dates' but it also contained other files which were much more enlightening. He had made private observations on a daily basis, including files on his subjects and diary entries examining his own motives. The brunette settled down with a pot of tea to absorb the inner workings of the man she had dated for five years, yet had never had full access too. It all began exactly as this scientist expected:

"Functional Dating Formula by Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D., Sc.D.

This introduction gives an overall review of the intended process and essential components of this research paper. In the coming months, I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, will undertake the most dangerous assignment of my life. I plan to conduct a series of experiments to determine the best possible individual for the privileged position of my permanent life partner (i.e mate)..."

Amy read on and on and as she did so, her bright mood began to alter from one of hope, to confusion and finally to a sense of impending doom.

 _Buzz!_ A text rudely interrupted, with a judder across the table top.

"What have you discovered?"

Amy wasn't sure where to start. There was little point telling him that Sheldon had explored the possibility of obtaining an egg and a surrogate mother to carry his offspring but had instead chosen pair-bonding due to its social-economic 'advantages'. Or, that this decision along with the supporting studies had taken up 10 pages? Or, that he had details notes on all his peers, including Leonard himself? Or that Sheldon had reeled off 3 pages alone on how smart Amy was? There was little point telling him any of that because Amy had discovered something, that she wished she hadn't.

At first, she has digested his words with great vigour enjoying the notes Sheldon had made, especially about her. There were several pages about how they got on so well, how she would always know what he was talking about and how important she was to him.

 _"Subject 1 has a superior intellect which means she can follow my train of thought on most subjects. Just last month we entered into a fascinating debate about grid cells in neuroscience, a topic I would have never explored before and the following is a transcript of this conversation intersected with studies to support the theories..."_

With growing confidence, the brunette began to believe that after all of this was over, she would get her man back. Even the more negative remarks were useful ammunition.

 _"Subject 1 has extreme negative reactions at the most inopportune moments. These are impossible to predict. Take the incident in July…"_

Amy stored what she learned and began to analyse how could use this in the future. She was beaming happily as she skimmed through the pages about her 'competitors'. Jenny seemed to annoy Sheldon at ever turn, he wrote several pages on her bad hygiene alone and how he might remedy this. "Subject 3 has unsavoury habits. She chews gum and smells like potato chips" and Mrs Gunderson always "wore a nightgown and slippers." Sheldon had carefully catalogued every one of his meetings over the years with Mrs Gunderson and found in none of them had she "been dressed", calling this "problematic." Amy sniggered for quite some time over this.

Then with a grunt, she clicked opened the notes on Penny.

A single page.

"How strange."

It seemed impossible that Sheldon would write so little about anyone, if you compared this page to the reams on all his other subjects. Yet in Penny's case, he had filled barely a page. There were just a few lines that would have been accompanied by research and scientific observation but oddly, were not. Amy shrugged and decided that Penny must be bottom of the pile and therefore there wasn't much to say. After all, she was just a blonde bimbo, _right_?

But as the brunette read through the scant notes of her competitor, the brevity of Sheldon's comments began to take on a whole new meaning…

 _"Subject 2 made spaghetti with little hotdogs and told me I was upset. I did not know I was upset. Can Subject 2 pre-empt my emotional state like a meteorologist can predict weather?"_

 _"When I spend time with Subject 2 it can seem like one moment. Time went by so quickly I forgot Transformer night and I do not recall how. Must refresh knowledge of space-time compression."_

 _"Subject 2 is infuriatingly logic-impaired but is always on hand to decipher the perplexing world of the socially inclined. This has proven useful."_

 _"Subject 2 is non-committal yet…."_

She paused as she read the part of that sentence, letting out a gasp as she did. It was as brief, as it was brutal.

 _"…I feel safe."_

The phone dropped with a clutter on the tabletop. Those three little words pierced through Amy like a rod of steel.

 _I feel safe_.

She spiked with shock and anger, but not at her blonde competitor, at the man who had caused her to love him. Sheldon had betrayed her. He made her believe that he wanted an intellectual equal. But it wasn't what he really needed. Sheldon needed a complementary equal. Someone who could give him something he didn't already have.

Amy knew all too well that her ex-boyfriend was never at ease. He felt things more acutely than anyone else she'd ever met. Every sight and sound intensified, every unordered word or action became a prickle on his temple. He would flinch at incomplete sentences or the improper use of a pronoun. He would shudder at thought of a mug not freshly rinsed. Sheldon had always been a mass of heightened nervous energy that he harnessed through his work and various hobbies but it never really left him. And yet Penny calmed him.

This scientist knew the significance of those words. Sheldon was in love with the girl across the hall and there was nothing she, or Leonard could do about that. A full minute passed before Amy picked up her phone again, to reply to Leonard's text message.

"I'm out."

* * *

Sheldon wasn't used to drinking and after three beers at Stuarts' apartment he swayed a little as he stood back in his own territory. A warm feeling fizzed in his belly. Was it the alcohol? Or the fact that he held in his hand the envelope he had waited for all week? He suspected that Penny would leave it until the last moment to return the questionnaire but nevertheless he had checked the box regularly.

As the days went by, a tightened had gathered in his chest and he wondered if this was what a broken heart felt like. And then on the final day the envelope came…

It was not the first time Sheldon had asked Penny to answer a questionnaire and out of all his friends, only she and Raj had taken it seriously. Leonard just alternated his multiple choices answers and Howard returned his copy with an obscene drawing of a rodent scrawled over it. Penny understood how important his processes were and always had, having picked it up pretty quickly after they locked horns once over dining rules. She had taken an onion ring, which had lead to a full on battle between them. Sheldon soon discovered that Penny could be as strong willed as he was. He found himself in the unusual position of having to apologize and back down, allowing Penny her way. She could have become even more aggressive in the years that followed but instead she began to support Sheldon's processes more than anyone else.

"I should never have doubted her," he smiled. " _Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny_ …"

 _ **STOP!**_ "That's far too many Penny's!" He wobbled, as his brain screeched to a halt.

 _Three!_ He scolded.

Sheldon slid the unopened envelope under his bed for safe-keeping and was about to remove his tee-shirt to undress, when he spotted something unusual. His new laptop wasn't in the same place as he left it. He was sure he'd left a two centimetre gap from the edge of the bookcase and it seemed to have moved flush against the edge.

 _Hmmmm!_

"Poltergeists", he hissed, and spent the last few waking moments considering the scientific implications of the spirit world, before drifting off into a deep sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Clapping boomed across the hall, ceasing as the president of the California Institute of Technology continued his speech. "… and finally I would like thank all those who attended our fund-raising events over the year and we hope we will see you all at the final event Friday night when we announce the new Tenured Professor. Thank you."

Noisy clapping resumed, hands on ears Sheldon grimaced, standing his ground as sounds died away and the less irritating low rumble of chatter commenced.

"So this is it," Howard said, "good luck guys." Tapped Leonard on the forearm and nodded at the tall physicist. Tense moment as the milling crowd began to disperse about the four nerds. Two of who faced fierce competition from the other, professionally and in other matters it seems.

"Lunch." Raj chirped.

Howard grinned and they were gone.

Awkwardly facing his competitor, Leonard flinched first. "I-I guess it is t-that time… lunch time." Stammers out and follows his friends towards the cafeteria.

Regret passes through Sheldon, the consumption of alcohol the night before Siebert's announcement was a bad idea, even though he had learned a great deal about social convention and its flaws. Long periods of listening to the Professor prattle on about university news and procedure tested the patience, a headache made it even more unbearable. Spies water cooler and makes a beeline.

Back in the cafeteria Leonard sets down his tray, quick glance towards door. "Listen, I need your help with something." Whispered tones.

"Sure what?" Howard forks in a mouthful.

"You can't tell Sheldon…"

Raj's face looked concerned. "It's not about the Tenure is it?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that." Head lowered secretively. "It's Amy."

"Amy?!" Howard raises an eyebrow.

"Shhh!" He hushes in caution. "She's chickened out on me."

"Chickened out? I'm not following," Howard mused.

"Amy got wind of the fact Penny is involved in Sheldon's dating spreadsheet and she's decided to pull out."

 _Got win of?_

"Do you want us to talk to her?" Raj offered.

Shakes head vigorously, "No, no, no…. I want you to help me fill out the questionnaire for her."

Puzzled expressions blink back at him. "Ugh? Why us?"

"You filled out the dating profile that got Amy and Sheldon together in the first place, you know her better than I do."

Raj squirms. "We do?"

"Sure you do."

"Amy won't like this." Howard warned.

"Sure, she might be angry at first… but once she gets back together with Sheldon, she'll be happy. She'll thank us for it in the end."

Frowns and looks of displeasure.

"Come on guys!"

Reluctant nods.

* * *

Rounding on the final set of stairs, the blonde hears a door open above her and a long familiar frame comes into view. Big eyes clocked her immediately, widening and forcing a smile from her lips. "Hello Sheldon."

Nervously turns in her direction. "Ahhhh Penny, just the person."

"You were coming to see me?"

"I was."

Pause, as she makes it to the top and then formally. "First of all, thank you for returning the questionnaire…"

"You're welcome."

Digs around for keys as the physicist stands wordlessly for a moment. Noticing a library book in her opened bag as it fell forward, entitled, 'Greek Myth', he was about to comment on this when she spoke.

"You were coming to see me?"

Clears throat. "Yes, I was… I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me?"

Wide smile back at him.

"This Thursday," he waits.

The smile continues…

"It has to be Thursday."

…and becomes a little chuckle.

"Thursday is date night," he adds.

"Of course it is," she finally replies. "…and I would love to go on a date with you."

Quick nod of recognition. "Very good, we can also celebrate my promotion."

"Wow, you've been promoted?"

"Not yet but they announce the new Tenured Professor soon and I am the obvious choice." Soft smug smile plays on lips.

"Congratulations."

"Thank you and I will collect you at 8pm."

"Okay, see you then sweetie."

Satisfied with the result of his invitation, the scientist returned to 4A. Two envelopes stacked neatly on desk indicate his roommate had brought up the mail. Swoops towards them and grabs up the last two questionnaires, taking them off to his room to store them with the other two. Mrs. Gunderson's questionnaire was the first to arrive and had been sitting on his shelf for two weeks. Kneels down and quickly finds Penny's envelope from its hiding place as he wonders why he had the instinct to hide it, within the sanctity of his own room.

"Poltergeist…" he lets out a short breathy chuckle as the memory of last night beer-addled confusion floods back in, which quickly drops to a scowl as he realizes the awful truth.

 _Someone's been in my room._

The mysterious movement of his laptop by a centimeter was no poltergeist and although Sheldon believed in aliens, he quickly drew the most probable explanation. Someone had entered his room. A human someone and that someone had touched his laptop.

Eyes flicked about room, scanning, cataloging, looking for further clues but could find no immediate anomalies. With the newly-delivered questionnaires in hand, he adds two to the shelf and after a second of reflection, lifts the edge of the mattress to hide Penny's envelope well underneath.

Lifts lid on laptop, dark foreboding screen presents itself like a deep black pupil. Had his laptop simply been moved in pursuit of a whiteboard marker? Or shifted innocently for some other inane reason? Invasion, heavy, unfamiliar, almost unclean, as the screen flicks to life. Nothing changed. Nothing moved or disturbed. He decided to store his observations for later use. Then, on to the work at hand, Sheldon had an acceptance speech to write.

 _Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Tenured Professor of Caltech University._

Light fingers fly across keys as his thoughts spill forth, a pause, a contented sigh and again the tapping flows on. Words coming so freely that a tiny knot in his belly is easily ignored. Tiny knots are nothing in comparison to this mans day-to-day anxiety, so he barely notices its growing intensity. He is sure the tension is due to the room invasion, which he would get to the bottom of, in time. Was it Leonard? Or Amy? Glances towards the bookshelf, spotting Amy's questionnaire front of the pile, no postmark. Did Amy drop off the questionnaire and enter his room while she was here? He would ask Leonard tomorrow. Decides the room invasion is causing the knot inside. Frowns, returning to the job at hand and within the hour he was done and ready to retire for the night. To sleep and to dream upon the great day that lies ahead.

 _Tiny knot in belly._

Small things are sometimes not. Tiny flutters are sometimes not so tiny. A forgotten umbrella, a sliver of memory, something overlooked which you later recall. These things do not normally trouble Sheldon. Rarely prone to the forgetfulness that blights the ordinary, or the inability to connect facts, he always recalls everything necessary and everything relevant.

Unless it's something he would rather not remember…

 _(Tiny knot in belly)_

…until its too late.

 _We regret to inform you that your application for Tenure has been unsuccessful._

Shaking fingers, reads the letter several times then on his feet, powering towards Professor Siebert's office. "This has to be a mistake." Voice cracking with pure adrenaline, he knocks thrice and the door opens almost immediately.

"Dr Cooper, I was expecting you…" Casts a sympathetic expression his at the tall bundle of electricity paced into room, trembling, with offending letter in hand. "…and I know what you are going to say already Dr Cooper…" Seibert preempts.

Light buzzing begins in the physicist's ears as the Professor starts a well-rehearsed speech. "…and most of your work has been exemplary…" Knot in belly grows. "…finest mind of a generation…" Buzzing becomes white noise, picks out words here and there. "…brilliance…", "…rare insight…", "…but…" Zinging buzz grows and grows, heightening, spots before eyes. "…level of incompetence… Arctic…"

 _Tiny knot. Harbinger of doom._

Letter floats to floor.

Walking now… ringing in ears an absolute din blanks out all other sound. Treads on through the corridors of his last ten years, on and on until the entrance appears. And out he goes. Carpark under feet, desire to put distance between him and letter. It didn't need saying, he knew who had been given Tenure.

 _The Arctic._

Sheldon had chosen to bury this incident. Pretending to forget that little knot inside his belly and what it meant but he knew. He'd always known. From the moment he had learned the truth about the fake results he'd been fooled into collecting. Other scientists had lost their careers for lesser and he knew the consequence to his own. Of course the University wasn't going to give him Tenure. He wouldn't grant it to himself under those circumstances.

Foot stepping onto bus. No bus pants. No matter. Just ringing in ears, relentless ringing, tiny knot in belly open to gaping pit of despair. Dragging him in, pulling, gnarling anguish. Have to switch off. Blank out. Can't deal. Shifts priority…

 _Penny._

"Must complete spreadsheet."


	16. Chapter 16

**_Annihilation!_**

The last thread of reason slips loose from the tall mans mind. Buzzing returns louder and louder, flashing spots behind his bright blue eyes. He'd run the data again but he knew what the result would be. He'd always known what the result would be. Even without the final Date Night scores the physicist was sure of the only possible outcome. Ringing in ears, never ceases, clammy fingers.

 _Final result: Amy Farrah Fowler._

"So that's it then." Dry throat cracks as he fights back a tear. "Amy is my perfect match. The science says so."

A text arrives.

"Where are you?"

It was from Raj, who was expecting Sheldon for a 10.30am meeting to go over the latest data on galaxy mapping.

He picks up the phone and replies, then leaves the apartment taking nothing put a pen and notepad.

* * *

By mid-morning the chatter had begun, by lunchtime he was receiving quiet, under-the-radar congratulations. The new Tenure wouldn't be announced until Friday but people were finding out, as whispers inevitably spread throughout the university.

"Well done, Dr… I mean… _Professor_ Hofstadter."

"Thank you very much." The be-speckled man returned.

Seated at their usual table with lunch trays, Howard and Raj watched their friend mill around the cafeteria, grinning and exchanging low tones with other facility members. Many passed by to greet him, including Kripke, who gave a forceful full-shouldered handshake and spoke openly without any attempt to hide the news. "Congwatualtions Hofstadter. You did _weally_ well thewe." Winking at hisn colleague mockingly.

The shorter man flinched at both the raised volume and the suggestion behind the wink. His promotion was met with surprise by some, weary resignation by others who perhaps thought someone else deserved it more.

Howard jabbed at his lunch accusingly, shooting a look towards Leonard and then across to companion who was giving him a hard stare. Both had been told of Leonard's good fortune by the man himself and offered smiles and muted praise.

"What's up Raj?"

"You know what's up."

Howard swung round to watch Leonard shake the hand of a young grad student, sit down and begin a conversation, beaming happily.

"No, I don't." Avoided carefully. Cast eyes down. "Our friend has done well, we should be happy."

"Then why do I feel like I've just run over a puppy?"

"That puppy runs on the road." Grins quickly, but met with icy return.

"That puppy is exceptional."

"That puppy is an exceptional ass."

"But he deserves this and you know it."

Howard sighs, his eyes flash. "Sheldon may deserve it but he was never going to get it."

Raj didn't have to ask why. "The Arctic."

"Shhh! Not so loud. Call it… the-experiment-that-must-not-be-named."

"Why?"

"Because it's fun." Grins once more.

"Well it sucks." Frowns angrily. "Scientific history is replete with discoveries marred by lack of recognition from their true contributors. Edison stole the work of Tesla, Alexander Bell stole the telephone design off an Italian. Numerous female scientists have had their work credited to men for decades…"

"You think Leonard stole tenure off Sheldon?"

"I dunno but five years ago, Leonard encouraged us to sabotage Sheldon's experiment. Flash forward to now and he's got him working on this joint project. The very person he claimed he couldn't work with! The very person whose career he discredited. Why?"

"You think Leonard set this up?"

"Not like that but he certainly has taken advantage of someone who wouldn't see it coming."

"Well, there's nothing we can do."

"There is something. I had a meeting with Sheldon this morning and he didn't turn up. Then he sent me this text."

 _Winner: Amy. Gone to watch trains._

Howard's eyebrow shot upwards. "Oh crap."

"We have to find him."

"Oh, no, not this again. I already went to Texas once. My work is done."

"We owe him." Raj pleaded.

"The-experiment-that-must-not-be-named was years ago!"

"No, it's NOW!"

Howard knew what his friend was getting at. Any real damage from their betrayal over the Arctic experiment was playing out today, with the appointment of Leonard, over Sheldon as Tenured Professor. Had his reputation not been decimated and any real results lost due to their interference, there was no doubt Sheldon would be top of his field by now.

Groans.

Panting, Leonard reappeared, in the seat next to Raj glowing with renewed energy and pride. "What a day."

Howard cut to chase. "Sheldon gone."

"Ahh… I-I guess he's disappointed about the job. Poor guy." He whined softly shaking his head.

"Amy won the dating experiment." Howard added.

"Great! Well that's got to help. Right?" Hopeful smile.

"Which we completed for her!" Raj snapped.

"We did a good thing."

"Well, I don't feel good." Raj said. "So, Howard and I are going go and find him."

"Great, keep me posted. Good luck." And he was gone.

Gasps from Howard but he knew there was no point dragging Leonard away from his big moment. The new Professor had congratulations to collect and a speech to write and history suggested that he would not take an interest in a runaway roommate. Raj huffed and pushed his plate away. They had to find Sheldon and try to make things right.

* * *

Blonde opens book entitled, Greek Myths.

Andromeda is one of several Greek myths of a heroes rescue of the intended victim from a sacrificial death and inappropriate marriage… Flips page. There he was, the Perseus dude. "So that's who you want to be huh Sheldon? Looking good." and there she was, Andromeda. "Well, I'm not wearing that." Lip curls at shapeless toga which falls free to expose breast. "Way too slutty."

Cursory glance at clock, tummy flutters, he'll be here soon for Mock Date Night. Should be a blast. She's wearing the little blue number she wore when they had dinner together after Leonard, abandoned her to go after that Alicia. She's wonders if he'll will remember it. "Of course, he'll remember."

He's late.

Sheldon is never late. Door sound across the hall, it has to be him. Prepares to tease him for his lateness by bypassing the triple knock, swinging the door open in greeting. "Evening!"

"Hi Penny."

"Oh Leonard, it's you. Are you going out?"

"Yes I'm celebrating… again."

"Oh." Thin smile. Others things on her mind, like where is her Mock Date?

"I got tenured yesterday." She hadn't asked.

"I thought that was Sheldon's job."

"No… it's whomever the University sees fit to give it too." He gave her a cheerful smile. "They picked me."

"Oh well, congratulations."

"Thank you."

"Is he with you? …Sheldon?"

"No… he's not in."

 _Not in!_

Suddenly steps forward towards the beautiful blonde, who looks even more ravishing in that tight blue dress, her hair slightly tousled, shining lips. "Penny, listen, this job is a really big deal. I'll be earning a lot more money and this could really change things… for us…"

Sighs in protest. "Leonard…"

Pleading face and hope across the furrowed brow. "You could give up that job you hate." He waits. "We could move into our own place, away from here, somewhere nicer, bigger. If you just give me another chance…"

"I don't think so."

"Just think about it." Head cocked to the side, he smiles and then begins down the stairs, leaving her with one thing on her mind.

 _Where's my date?_

Knowing how Leonard's promotion would affect Sheldon, she knocks on the door of 4A, nothing. Pounds. Still nothing. Tries his mobile but it rings inside the apartment.

"Where the hell is he?"

Growing concern, she's down the stairs with coat and keys. Coasting by the Comic Book store. Lights off, closed for the night. Runs through the train station looking for anyone over 6ft. Back to car and on to the Cheesecake Factory car park. No one has seen her "batcrap crazy friend" today. Then up the stairs, knocking impatiently.

"Hi Penny, this is a surprise. You look nice." Bernadette answers.

"Thanks Bernie and hello."

"Come on in, I'm about to open a bottle of white and watch something girly. The guys are going out to meet Leonard now, to celebrate his good news."

"Yes I just heard about the promotion. Hi guys." Waves at weary looking Raj and Howard who stare blankly at TV and don't look ready to go anywhere fast.

"Hi Penny." Weary sounding replies.

"Has anyone seen Sheldon? I'm really worried, we…I-I… he's not home."

"Leonard didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Sheldon's in hospital."

"He's what?!"

 _No, Leonard did not tell me!_

Head lidded eyes turn on her. "He went AWOL Wednesday morning after he lost out on Tenure. Raj and I spent all night looking for him. Found him beside the train tracks in a bad way, early this morning. He was delirious with fever and dehydration."

Sinks down on to chair. "Oh god!"

"He wouldn't go to the hospital and was rambling on about having to go on a quest and save Andromeda from the sea monster. We had to trick him into the car by telling him were had the sword of Hermes."

"I-is he okay?" Chokes.

Howard nods. "The doctor told us he'll be fine. They just keeping him in for observation."

"He doesn't seem fine." Raj recoiled.

"Why not?"

"He's behaving weird, and I don't mean Sheldon-weird."

Howard grimaced "He told us he's giving up Caltech to become a train driver. That science doesn't matter."

"Why the hell would he do that?"

Bernadette stepped forward with a glass of wine, which she takes, stunned. "See this is what happens when he breaks up with Amy." She shakes her head. "He's sick with it. He's made himself ill. Best thing those two crazy kids can do is get back together. She's with him now."

Penny takes a mouthful to hide reaction.

"She won that dating experiment, you know. As I knew she would. Silly business really, I'm sure you agree."

 _No! I do not._

Howard and Raj exchange guilty looks.

Brightly. "Let's see, what shell we watch?" Bernadette begins to flick through the latest releases.

"Watch?"

"What movie?"

Not really listening. Holding glass, blank stare towards the tiny blonde who is chattering away about something or rather. Blue dress and tousled hair not even questioned and she wants to scream. "I was on a date with him, tonight. I was! I'm his Andromeda. He wouldn't stand me up." Words not coming out but then gentle fingers prize the wine glass from her fingers. Howard is standing over her, although she never noticed him approach. Whispers. "Go to him."

"What?"

"Go now."


	17. Chapter 17

Earlier that evening, long lashes had finally parted and dimly gazed into the room. The colours were still there. Purple Potassium and Yellow Cilium were dancing, leaving Magnesium shines all over his white ceiling. The periodic table taunted him in giddy swirls, as muffled voices faded in and out. "I'm here to drive the train, …" he told them. Faraway voices were talking amongst themselves and took no notice of his announcement.

 _"How's he doing?"_

 _"We're started him on intravenous antibiotics and will keep an eye on him."_

"…. attention, passengers! We have a very full _train_ today so please don't block the doors…"

 _"He'll be fine, he just needs some rest."_

 _"Thank you, doctor."_

Sheldon lifted his head to spy Andromeda standing in the corner of the room, looking at her Fitbit and tapping her foot impatiently. "… this train is about to leave the station. Please stand clear of the closing dooooors…," he trailed off as the darkness took him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Howard stopped Penny on the way out of door to press an envelope into her hand. "Sheldon will know what this means," he said. And then without a goodbye glance, she was on her way. Barely remembering the drive to the hospital, as the desire to see the person she cared about more than anyone, overshadowed all else. It didn't seem possible that she had once been in love with Leonard. Sheldon filled her heart completely and she knew that whatever the consequences to her friendships, or to herself, she would have to let him know. She would let everyone know. It wasn't until the blonde was yards away from the hospital door, having received admiring glances, that she realized she was still dressed for Date Night. Her pretty blue dress and high heels, which clicked along the vinyl floor, were a little out of place. Although this didn't bother her as much as the dawning realization of what she was about to walk in on.

 _Amy had won the dating experiment, and Amy was with him now._

She felt her footsteps slow, the terrible sense of loss flooded in. It had always been clear that Amy would win any competition to be a perfect match but she had allowed herself to hope. Knowing this hurt her heart so instead of striding into Sheldon's room boldly and with confidence, she found herself stopping by the door. Weary voices sounded down the corridor as an argument was in progress inside the room. "Sheldon, listen to me… just listen." Amy's familiar tone could be heard. "There's no need to decide now. Giving up your career just like that."

"It's n-not… just like that, I've always liked trains," his reply was almost inaudible and Penny's heart ached at how weak it sounded.

"But what about science?"

"Oh yes," he spat. "The great betrayer!"

"Sheldon, you know science isn't human. Science can't betrayal us."

"Well, I can no longer master science and… I'm late for my train, she is waiting for me."

The brunette responded with a hesitant, "S-she?"

A cursory glance at the corner of the room, where the hallucination had once stood, confirmed to Sheldon that the vision of Andromeda had gone. When he awoke the evening, it was Amy's face he saw. Andromeda was no longer tapping her foot and waiting for him to instruct their train to leave.

Amy's appearance had been down to Leonard, who'd wasted no time telling her the outcome of the dating experiment. "Sheldon's in hospital but don't worry, he's okay. I think he's just upset over me getting Tenure, got himself a bad chill. But you won the dating experiment, so that's good news. Right?" He'd told her, trying to make it sound as positive as he could. So Amy buried her niggling doubts about Sheldon's true feelings and rushed to his side, only to discover, between fevered hallucinations, that he was giving up his life's work to drive trains. She tried to redirect the physicist to see sense but was having trouble getting her usual methods to work. He seemed so determined this time. Under the fevered state, there was something changed about him, something that she wasn't sure she liked. He turned his head away as though to avoid her gaze and said. "Andromeda."

"Sheldon, you're dreaming. There's no one else here, you're not well."

His eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Do you have a valid ticket for this journey?"

"Yes," she said smugly. "I'm your girlfriend. I won the dating experiment."

"What dating experiment? I have no need for such a thing, I'm a train driver. Choo-choo!" The sparkles were beginning to fade from his ceiling and he fought to stay in the dream world a little longer. "All aboard!"

Still outside the doorway, Penny regained her reserve and decided it was time she stepped into the room. "Where are we going?" she asked the sleepy man. Her voice immediately registered and he tried to raise his weary head. "Andromeda?"

Amy laughed at this. "Oh, hello Penny," she said.

"Hello Amy," a stiffness in her voice.

"Andromeda," Sheldon repeated, reaching out his arm for her to come forward.

"Ha ha! I'm afraid he doesn't recognise you," she chuckled smugly.

"Oh no, I think he does." Penny said, pulling up a second chair on the opposite side of the bed and taking Sheldon's hand in hers.

"Sweetie," she said. "I'm here."

"I knew you'd come, I saw sparkles."

"I do love a bit of glitter." She smiled. "And I had to see you."

"You took you're time!" he scolded. "I had to hold the train."

"Well I'm here now."

"You see, he doesn't know who you are and thinks he's a train driver," Amy grumbled. "Says that he wants to give up being a physicist. It may be just the fever talking but he seems so adamant."

"Mind the doors, this train is ready to depart," he smiled and squeezed Penny's hand a little. All at once, he could see the train from whatever angle he wished, he could fly above it, swoop inside the engine room, or float just like a ghost down the aisles amongst his passengers. She was there, safely inside the carriage. The rumbling tracks, click-a-clacked and soothed his nerves. But his world kept parting, cracking and there were white walls around him and voices, taking away his happily place, he squeezed his eyes shut. "A little longer." He said.

"Where are we going?" Penny asked once more.

"You know."

"I do?"

"Back to the beginning," he said, leaning towards her.

"The observatory?"

"No silly," he said softly.

She looked across the bed to Amy, who just shrugged. "The coffee shop where we first met?" she offered but there was no response.

"I'll make this right," he said.

"Yes you will." Penny reassured, although she didn't have clue where their imaginary journey was heading, or what he wanted to 'make right'.

"Sheldon!" Amy said sternly, not at all pleased that Penny was still holding his hand and playing along. The doctor had told her that the fever had passed, so the increasingly impatient brunette saw no reason to keep indulging his delusions. "You're not driving a train, you're in hospital!" she snapped.

"Oh Amy, give him time." Penny said, she'd known this man a long time and appreciated his vivid imagination and had a way with her lanky neighbour, she knew there was something of a dreamer about him.

"His fever broke an hour ago, he should be coming out of it."

"He's trying to tell us something." Penny insisted. "It's important."

Amy scowled. "All he needs is to go back to work on Monday. I don't want my partner abandoning his career for an hallucination." Penny flinched at the word ' _partner_ '.

"My career was broken a long time ago." He interjected.

"No, Sheldon," Amy replied, relishing the fact that she had his attention once more. "It's no reflection on you that Leonard got tenure."

"Isn't it?"

"Of course not, you have a brilliant mind."

He continued to hold Penny's hand, much to Amy's irritation. "I hope you don't mind the cold Andromeda, we could train for the sub-zero temperatures in a walk-in freezer..."

"A walk-in freezer? What are you talking about?!" Amy snapped.

It was in that moment that Penny guessed where Sheldon's train was going. It was going back to when he was winning in his career, before it all went wrong. Ever since that expedition, Sheldon had done increasingly badly at work, making mistakes and being upstaged. "The Arctic." She said.

"Yesss," he whispered. "We're going to the Arctic."

The brunette had no idea what they were talking about and had enough of the closeness between them, so she pushed forward, took hold of Sheldon's shoulders firmly and shook him. "Wake up!" she yelled.

"Attention passengers, we seem to be experiencing some adverse weather conditions," he said, defiantly.

"Stop it! I know you're awake," she bellowed and slapped his left cheek hard. Eyes shot open and the train carriage disappeared like smoke as Amy's face bore down. "Amy?" he said in shock.

"Yes, yes… Sheldon it's me." She said, snatching his hand away from Penny.

"I'm a train driver."

"No, you're not. You're a physicist and I'm your perfect match. Remember?"

He frowned at the long flat face before him, blinking in the brightness of the white room. "I had the strangest dream", he said, raising himself up into a seated position and pulling away. "Penny? You were there," he said, not in the least bit surprised to see her on his left, he had known she was there, had known who's hand he'd been holding. The Andromeda of his fevered state had born a more than striking resemblance to his date.

"Yes, it's me," Penny said. "Are you okay?" She grabbed a pillow to prop up behind him and although he eyes still looked a little hollow, he was lucid.

"Yes, I feel quite well."

"Thank goodness," said Amy. "You had a terrible fever and were rambling about giving up your job to drive trains."

"Oh but I _am_ giving up my job to drive trains."

She gasped in horror. "Sheldon, no!"

"I am defeated Amy, my work has been on a downward trajectory for years."

"But you can't be serious?"

"I am serious. I love trains and I no longer trust _science_ ," his lips tightened on the word, as though he could barely bring himself to say it.

"But a train driver?" She said in disgust.

"There's nothing wrong with driving a train for a living," Penny said.

"There's not?" he asked.

"Hell no, most of my boyfriends weren't even employed." When their eyes met his gaze was warm and loving, soft dark pupils ringed in that familiar blue greeted her with an openness, which made her melt. "You would accept me a train driver?" he asked.

"Sheldon, I'd accept you as a busboy," she replied honestly, and the corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. "…but, you won't be either." She added.

"I won't?"

"No, because you have to go back to the Arctic. You were dreaming about it, don't you remember?"

"Yes," he hushed, as the memory flooded back in. "We were going to the Arctic although I don't know why I chose that destination."

"I do," she said. "You're a physicist Sheldon, it's obvious that you want to go back to finish the experiment, the one that was sabotaged by the guys. "

"But-t Penny, I can't just go back…"

"Why not?" the blonde said.

"I-I don't know, I…"

"Do you remember the commercial I was in?"

"How could I forget?"

"Well, the day we shot the farm scene the soundman didn't turn up in time because his van was clamped. By the time he got there, the light had gone and we couldn't film. We had to go back."

She heard Amy scoff from the opposite side of the bed and with an unmoving expression Sheldon said. "Are you comparing the mysteries of the universe to a haemorrhoid commercial?" That familiar tension sparked up between them and she shrugged. "It's what I do," she said with a grin.

Sheldon had to concede that this was in fact, 'what she did'. Somehow reducing his convolutions and complexities down to such simplicity, that it reset his brain and sparked inspiration. The lanky man raised an eyebrow as his thoughts whirred. "You know something, you're right…" and began to rattle off ideas under his breath. "…I suppose I could assemble a team… there's always funding, I could hold a fundraiser and even though I find them abhorrent, I could suffer the indignity of one… or two." There was definitely a little more color to his cheeks now. "I'll be away for approx four months of course…"

"I can wait… " Penny said. "…I mean, _whoever_ …" she trailed off and flushed lightly as she realized what she'd said. Sheldon's eyes darted to Amy, who was not amused.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" the brunette bellowed angrily. "I've been trying to talk sense to Sheldon for hours and you change his mind with haemorrhoids?"

He gave her a terrified stare. "Although train driving is an honorable professional, Penny is right. My experiment was never completed and I don't know why I didn't think of this before." His eyes sparkled at the blonde and he noted the rush of adrenaline he felt by her presence, which was bringing him back to life. Penny pulled her chair a little closer to the bed and then remembering the envelope Howards had given her, she took it from her bag and handed it over.

"What's this?"

"I don't know but perhaps it's something science related to give you new ideas," she said happily. Penny hadn't even thought to look inside the envelope Howard had given to her before she left the apartment; she'd been far too intent on getting to the hospital.

Nibble fingers turned over the heavy package and drew out the pages within. "Ohh, …it's your questionnaire," he said to Amy.

"M-my w-what?" Amy stuttered, as her mouth dried up. Leonard hadn't told his conspirator about the forged questionnaire that Raj and Howard had typed up on her behalf. She'd just assumed that she'd won the dating experiment without sending one in. With all the excitement over winning tenure it had slipped his mind. Sheldon went to thumb through it but she lunged forward and snatched it away. "Give me that!" she said and a quick flick through the pages confirmed her suspicions, it had been written for her, and she suspected that Leonard had put Raj and Howard up to it, as they also wrote Sheldon's dating profile, back in the day.

"Why do you have Amy's questionnaire?" Sheldon turned to Penny, who was equally surprised that Howard would have a copy.

"I don't know. Howard gave it to me, he said you'd know what it meant," she said.

Sheldon frowned. "Perhaps if I take another look…"

"No need for that," Amy pulled a grimacing smile and tried to distract them by plumbing up his pillow with her free hand.

"Let him see it, Amy…" Penny said and leaned forward to try to take the document and within seconds a tug of war ensured. Penny had one side of the document and Amy the other, with a bewildered Sheldon stuck in the middle of the struggling pair.

"Let it go!" Penny pleaded, not entirely sure why Amy was reacting that way.

"You let it go!" Amy snarled, pressing her knee into the side of the bed for leverage, both women glaring competitively at one another.

Sheldon shut his eyes tightly once more and imagined his train. "Could passengers please refrain from blocking the doors," he announced.

"Cut it out!" Amy growled and as she did so, she managed to wretch the document from her competitor, who stumbled forward on her heels, causing Amy to drop the bulk of the questionnaire at her feet. A single page broke free and landed in front of the patient. He stared at the crumpled page, there were scrawled notes in blue ink along the margins. He recognised both Howard and Raj's handwriting immediately. At the top of the page was the word…

 _Draft_.

"What it is?" Penny asked.

Sheldon eyed the brunette for an answer, "Amy?" he asked.

"Oh _alright!_ " she relented, "I didn't write a questionnaire but I didn't know anything about this, I swear."

"So why did Howard and Raj write one for you?" he said.

There was one obvious culprit. " _Leonard!_ " Penny snarled.

Amy nodded reluctantly.

"He's messed with another one of my experiments?"

"This surprises you?"

"I suppose not."

"So what does that mean?" Penny said tentatively. "Do I win?"

" _No_ , I forfeit," Amy blurted, rising out of her chair.

"In fact it makes little difference to the outcome," Sheldon said. "The science is on her side."

"It is?" Penny asked, a flicker of worry in her voice.

"I'm afraid so, I ran all the possibilities and Amy always wins."

"You see!" The brunette fired at Penny. " _You're_ not smart enough. You'll never be smart enough."

"To hell with the spreadsheet," Penny snapped, "I know how you feel, I can see it in your face, I can feel it!" She knew there was something unfathomable between them and it had always been there. Beginning as a simple recognition of strength forged through fiery exchanges, then an unexpected admiration and finally a growing rapport, which she had attempted to pull away from when she was with Leonard. Sheldon had kept her on the spreadsheet for a reason and if Penny knew one thing for certain, it was impossible to predict who you'll fall in love with, even for Sheldon.

"Yes." He admitted and the room fell silent. She sat back down next to him and took his hand once more. But the brunette was having none of this and flew into rage, grabbing the questionnaire up from the floor, rolling it up tightly and prodding Sheldon as though it were a weapon. "You said you loved me. ME!" she jabbed. "How can you choose some dumb prom queen over me? Someone who drinks and acts like a hussy."

"Not entirely accurate," he said unmoved.

The face of fury continued to bellow at him, "You owe me Sheldon, after all the endless stubborn years I endured, all that waiting and all those stupid 'Fun with Flags' video blogs I had to put up with."

"I thought you liked those." He whimpered.

"LIKED THEM?! They were total mindless bullshit," Amy snarled. "I only put up with them because I thought we ought to do something together, to create a familial bond."

"All part of your experiment to retrain me?"

"It was for your own good. Everything I did was _for your own good_."

"I chose to differ," he said, "It wasn't until I started the dating experiment and studied your processes that I saw the patterns and realised what you were doing. Reprogramming me, shaping me to your own design, punishment, reward, and disapproval. Using all your skills as a neuroscientist to take over my thoughts. I suppose I found it fascinating at first but I know I mistook it for something else."

"But you _love me!_ "

"It wasn't love. It was math but I thought that was how a relationship worked. I had nothing to compare it to."

"So you choose her?!"

"Yes, I choose her."

"Then you're an annoying child," she bellowed and threw the questionnaire into Sheldon's face before stomping out the door. Then just when they thought she'd left, she briefly reappeared to add. "And one more thing! I don't even like Harry Potter!" Then she was gone.

They were quiet for a few moments, in case of another reappearance and Penny spoke first. "Damn, I'm sorry Sheldon, I hoped that would go better."

"I'm not," he said, a look of peaceful relief on his face. "Amy came into my life via a forged online dating profile, written by Howard and Raj. It's poetic justice that she should leave my life via another forged document, also written by Howard and Raj."

"A sneaky trick by Leonard."

"No, I'm glad he did it, he did me a favour. The patterns in Amy's behavior would never have occurred to me otherwise. It was how I realised that I was just another one of her lab rats. I learned that good math is often mistaken for something deeper."

"Is that why you wanted to give up science?"

"Yes, once I realised that Amy would always win I felt like I was drowning. I would have done anything to get out of heading towards the altar with her."

"Even quit your job?"

"I never really wanted to quit, not really. I just wanted an explanation."

"For what?" she said.

"For you… " He said, "… and why I can't explain our connection. Believe me, I've tried. I spent hours on my other subjects and wrote pages and pages analyzing their effect on me but when it came to you, I just couldn't explain it."

"Some things can't be explained," she said, with a smile.

"All things can be explained, Penny." He said.

"Well then, there's only one explanation." And with this, she leaned over the bed and kissed him tenderly. The touch of her lips sent a rush of pleasure through his body. Reaching his hand up to her shoulder at first, he pulled her to him and was lost in the moment of her warmth, until she pulled away. "Golly," he said.

This wasn't a word Penny had heard after a kiss before and she chuckled. "I love you Sheldon, I'm been wanting to say it a while now but was too scared."

He frowned a little and shook his head. "And it seems that I love you. So if you'll have me… the annoying child."

"Are you kidding? If you'll have me." And she kissed him once more.

* * *

The next day…

"Just a few more steps," Penny said, the patient was leaning on her for support, as they made their way up the staircase. "Okay Sheldon you're milking it now; you're not an invalid."

"I'm weakened," he complained.

A door opened on the third floor and an elderly woman, in her dressing gown appeared on the landing. "Hello Mrs Gunderson," Sheldon said.

"Hello Sheldon, Penny," she was carrying a bag of trash. "I've just had an interesting conversation with Raj about that questionnaire," she said with a grin. "He told me it was a dating experiment."

Penny nodded, steadying herself with the weight of Sheldon's body, he had an arm draped around her and seemed to be enjoying being helped up the stairs, a little too much.

"Well, I'll be damned." She said, "I take it you won?"

"Yep."

"How close did I get?"

"You did pretty well."

Mrs Gunderson winked at Sheldon, "Yeah, I still got it!" she said, as the couple ascended the last flight.

"I have to get my strength up before the expedition back to the Arctic."

"You'll be fine."

"Howard and Raj have agreed to go with certain stipulations. Leonard has responsibilities now he's Professor."

"He'll miss the acclaim when you rock it."

"Yes I shall be … _rocking it_ for four months."

"I'll miss you," she said and made him release her so she could open the door of 4B.

"I'll miss you too. Can we do more kissing now?"

"Sure," she said, and he kissed her briefly.

"That was nice, let's go inside and do some more," he said.

"I thought you were sick."

"I feel quite well now."

She unlocked the door. "Take it easy Sheldon, we don't want to rush things," she joked and they disappeared inside.

* * *

The End.

Sorry it took me so long to finish this but I got there in the end and so did Sheldon and Penny. :) Oh and please review, thanks very much.


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